Best of 2010: Movies

There were good movies this year, there's no doubt. But let's just recap the biggest releases of the year (over 2,000 screens) to really relive the stink.

January

The Book of Eli

Extraordinary Measures

Edge of Darkness

Denzel, Harrison, and Mel are pushed to the edge. Will never see these, but I could conceivably do an Extraordinary Measures drinking game.

February

Valentine's Day

Shutter Island

Cop Out

A trio of autuers -- Garry Marshall, Scorsese, and Kevin Smith -- make the movie of their careers! I don't think I'll ever see Shutter Island, even though I'm not opposed to it.

March

Alice in Wonderland

Brooklyn's Finest

Green Zone

The Bounty Hunter

Hot Tub Time Machine

How to Train Your Dragon

Green Zone was a letdown, even though it was not bad. The Bounty Hunter looks like it was made by a focus group consisting of everything I hate, all in one (brooding) package. Which brings us to TWEET OF THE YEAR:

Alice in Wonderland, however, was one of the worst things I've ever seen. I saw it on DVD, and I couldn't get through 10 minutes of it. Tim Burton, you're on notice.

April

Clash of the Titans

Date Night

Death at a Funeral

Kick-Ass

The Back-Up Plan

The Losers

Nightmare on Elm Street

Furry Vengeance

Might be winner for worst month of movies. Clash of the Titans was so bad, Sam Worthington had to apologize. Date Night looks offensively bland. Kick-Ass was pretty good, and Cage's best movie of the year. Maybe my Extraordinary Measures drinking game will just be an extended Fraser fest with Furry Vengeance.

May

Iron Man 2

Just Wright

Letters to Juliet

Robin Hood

MacGruber

Shrek Forever After

Sex and the City 2

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

The beginning of the summer season! Remember Robin Hood? Or that brief moment when you thought "Woah, is Jake Gyllenhaal gonna be an action star now?" Real disappointment here - I liked Iron Man 2 though.

June

Get Him to the Greek

Killers

Marmaduke

Splice

The A-Team

The Karate Kid

Jonah Hex

Toy Story 3

Knight and Day

Grown Ups

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

How is it that Toy Story 3 was the only movie for adults this summer? What a shitty shitty month.

July

The Last Airbender

Despicable Me

Predators

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Inception

Ramona and Beezus

Salt

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Charlie St. Cloud

Dinner for Schmucks

Nothing like an M. Night Shayamalan movie to set the tone for the rest of the month. And Cage has a rare miss (kidding!) Just shit shit shit. Inception was dope the first time, notsomuch the second.

August

Step Up 3D

The Other Guys

Eat Pray Love

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

The Expendables

Vampires Suck

Nanny McPhee Returns

Piranha 3D

The Switch

Takers

The Last Exorcism

Wow... I only saw one movie from this month... and it was EAT PRAY LOVE two weeks ago, from a Redbox (which had nothing else to rent). Zoe and I couldn't get past the first 10 minutes. Unbearable.

September

The American

Going the Distance

Machete

Resident Evil: 3D

Alpha and Omega

Devil

Easy A

The Town

Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

You Again

The Town was pretty good... the action scenes were well done, but the Rebecca Hall scenes hilariously stupid. It was almost like a comedy sketch, where the love interest only speaks in vignettes that get more depressing. Her story arc: she gets held at gunpoint during a bank robbery, she watches her coworker get shot, she is kidnapped, her kidnappers release her in the middle of nowhere, she is duped by her kidnapper, she complains to him that other people stole her car, she tells Ben Affleck that sunny days depress her, because they make her think of her dead brother. They should've called this movie The Bank Job (as in Bible Job).

October

Case 39

Let Me In

The Social Network

Life As We Know It

My Soul to Take

Secretariat

Jackass 3D

Red

Paranormal Activity 2

Saw 3D

I'd like to see Let Me In, even though I can tell it's already overhyped. The Social Network was excellent, and will likely win Best Picture.

November

Due Date

For Colored Girls

Megamind

Morning Glory

Skyline

Unstoppable

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

The Next Three Days

Burlesque

Faster

Love and Other Drugs

Harry Potter was a joke. I enjoyed watching it, but nothing happens. Unstoppable was a great dumb thriller.

December

Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The Tourist

How Do You Know

Tron: Legacy

Yogi Bear

Little Fockers

True Grit

Gulliver's Travels

Gulliver's Travels is a perfect closer for the year: a little-people-kick-Jack-Black-in-the-nuts CGI comedy.

______________________________________

Best movie of 2010: 127 Hours

Last year James Cameron transported us to a world of unlimited wonder. Floating mountains? Yeah we got that. Danny Boyle pretty much did the opposite: he trapped us in a cave with James Franco with a half-empty water bottle, some rope, and a dull knife. Many people found the amputation scene difficult to watch; I found it exhilarating. Ripping yourself from your own flesh is only possible when you've reached contemplative bliss, and that's what this movie achieves.

Also, should we never get an Arrested Development movie, we will always have 127 Hours to stand in for the J. Walter Weatherman biopic:

"That's why you always leave a note"

______________________________________

Best Sketch of the Year: Trailer for Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

Funny or Die? CollegeHumor? Please. Cracked served up the best sketch - not a wasted moment here. Nothing came close to "Catch Phrase!"

I just saw Robot Chicken's Star Wars: Episode III which has an excellent sketch about Luke bumping into the Wampa he cut up on the Hoth system at a Space Gas Station. It's tragic.

Best YouTube Clip of the Year: Yoel Brach Productions plays L.G. fanfare (Shaya and Perry's wedding intro)

The Pope clip I recently posted is fantastic, but I gotta give some love to my Jews. From the opening explosion to the final panning shot of an Orthodox wedding, this video is unbelievably absurd. I particularly love that the backup singer clearly doesn't know the words -- he just knows if you sing 3 whole notes higher, you can get some chot harmonies (for those of you who don't speak Yiddish, that means "hot harmonies"). Also, phenomenal YouTube title. I hope to see more Yoel Brach Productions in 2011.

Blake Griffin.

Blake Griffin's alley-oop from Baron Davis is absolutely insane.

Inphallible Pope

This softcore pornographic moment was featured as a "Moment of Zen" on The Daily Show last week. Few things are this perfect.

(FLYING) FOX NEWS

This is a Flying Fox, the largest bat in the world. Or in Latin, Pteropus Holyfuckingshitthisisterrifying.

Must-See Video in 1 FPS

I'm not going to post the insane video of Clay Duke pulling a gun on a Florida school board meeting - it's horrifying - but I came across this video that featured stills from the video set to soaring Alternative Rock! Can you feel the emotion in those crushing power chords?



I notice these types of videos on YouTube more and more, complete with WalM-art-rock soundtracks. Who is making them? And who are making these choices? Are they slideshow-purists, some cult of Tesla-loving Edison-haters who believe the motion pictures is an affront to a higher power (the guy from Staind)?

"Thou shalt not flash pictures faster than 1 frame per second; it is an abomination!"

And if you'd please indulge this big leap, consider the trainwreck "Mom & Dad Save The World"

The film begins with lame parents boring their children (or friends?) to tears with a family vacation slideshow. The parents realize they cannot connect with their children -- film and general excitement have rotten their brains, and the family finds themselves, ahem, alienated from one another.

They then get sucked into a cinematic nightmare, literally pulled away from their world to a spaceship filled with gadgets, technology -- captured by the world of Edison-enabled conventional entertainment. The children, humiliated by their weak and emasculated father, are held captive and it is up to Jeffrey Jones, our old-school luddite hero to save them, their mother and the world from the fat fingers of Emperor Spengo (Jon Lovitz -- i.e. shitty entertainer) and his sentient fecal army. Jeffrey Jones is tested -- can he survive acting for the next 90 minutes in a fucking shitty movie? -- and eventually saves the day by defeating Jon Lovitz (who represents cinema).

The film ends with the family enjoying their photo-slideshow of their space adventure. Slideshows win.

What I'm trying to say "Mom & Dad Save The World" was a meta-movie created by Staind-worshipping all-hail-slideshow Teslians demonstrating in "Battlefield: Earth" commentary that movies are evil.

Need further proof that I'm making some sort of sense? Watch "Mom & Dad Save The World," the music video.

Pretty confusing, right?

Advice for Murderous Psychopaths on Blind Dates

So, you're a psychopath and you're looking for love. Getting out there can be difficult, especially when you really love wearing someone else's skin. I'd like to tell you "I feel your pain" but I'm sure that expression means something much deeper to you. Heck, it's the whole reason you got into the psychopath game.

So put down your skull-mug, get out there and go stalk "the one." And when you figure out how to get that first blind date (remember, NO HOSTAGE SITUATIONS), join me back here and I'll show you the rest is smooth sailing.

* * * * * * *

Pre-Date

1. Have a victim's suit/dress lying around? This is the opportunity to use your shears and skin-stiching skills to good use. Make it look like happy-person-suit/dress.

2. Arrive on time! You've spent years mumbling to strangers the importance of Punctuality, now is the time to put your money where your mouth is. Speaking of money...

3. Bring current currency. No one's impressed by your doubloon collection. You'll only make your life harder.

* * * * * * *

Date

Here it really comes down to the conversation. You obviously can't tell too many details in your life, but you also can't be too vague. For example:

Where did you go to school?

I went to Oberlin, but I got kicked out for eating my roommate's brain stem.

WRONG

Where did you go to school?

School? A place where children go to learn. Muahahahahaha.

WRONG

Where did you go to school?

School? Wow that feels so long ago, I can't even remember.

RIGHT!

It is not uncommon for a lull to occur in a conversation. This does not mean you are a failure! Repeat: This does NOT mean you are a failure. Hold your ground, breathe. Do NOT jump to whatever jumps into your head. All those voices, stirring up, calling your name... BLOCK THESE OUT. Jump back on a seemingly meaningless earlier topic and see if that conversation can go further. For example:

If you had a bad phone connection earlier, because you were working in your "basement"...

"I'm sorry about my lousy phone connection, I'm training my puppy to not bite my phone."

Now I know you're thinking "I don't have a puppy, but if I did I would strangle it" but you might find yourself a little more comfortable with a small innocuous lie. If she questions you on the dog later, say you gave it to your sister. If you've already killed said sister, and she comes up again (not from her grave, in conversation) you'll have to fake her death later. See?!? Dating can be fun!

PROBLEM!

You see someone in the restaurant you really want to torture/kidnap. Resist these temptations! You don't want your date thinking there's anyone more important than her/him. One little taste of someone else's hair in the bathroom will effectively ruin your date.

* * * * * * *

Post-Date

S/he suggests going back to his/her place. First of all you need to question yourself: is this person a psychopath? He or she has been having a lovely time with you, which come to think of it is very strange. And if so, is this the right psychopath for me? It would be an ironic bummer to discover this person was not looking for love, but actually for someone to throw in his or her stone pit.

If the date has been okay my advice is to walk the lovely to her date, sneak a little goodnight kiss, and if the voices in your head aren't screaming "TAKE HER SKIN!!!" she might be the one.

* * * * * *

Well you did it! A fun night out without killing anyone [hopefully ;)]. I encourage you to continue resisting your psychotic urges and trying to make someone the happiest person alive. Think of it as taking a hostage for a lifetime.

Coming Soon!

So let's just break this thing down:



Yogi's back! In 3D! It's been too long (and things have changed quite a bit since Yogi's heyday).



Wait what the hell? Is Yogi eating something?



Oh!! It's Boo Boo! Hey everyone we can relax, he's not eating anyone. But what are they doing together?



One thing we can say for sure: 3D incestual cub-ophiliac rape movies have never looked this good.

The Spirit of Thanksgiving, brought to you by Nicolas Cage

It's that time of year again! The time for many of us to return home and see our families and old friends and remember, pretty much immediately, why exactly you left it in the first place. It's been 9 hours and I'm definitely in need of some sort of primal scream, not in a lame "Garden State" wouldn't-it-be-fun-to-yell-in-a-fairy-tale-hole kind of way, but in a Nicolas Cage every-fiber-of-my-being-is-overcome-by-electricity-because-my-soul-is-literally-ripping-itself-from-my-body kind of way. Fortunately, I can just sit back and watch this excellent compilation of Cage do just that for me.

Cage, if you're reading this, my mom is making plenty of food...

Late Update: If my family really loves me, they'll let me reenact this entire video during our feast. The last scene would obviously be cranberry sauce.

Knicks & Nods

Amare's nod to Griffin is pretty hilarious. Thanks to Nihal/FreeDarko.

Knicks & Conflicts

Blake Griffin served up a nasty dunk on the Knicks this evening over Timothy Mozgov (7'1"). I love my Knicks, but this was pretty phenomenal.

Fucking Magnets

How do they work? Richard Feynman basically tells you to fuck off. It's awesome.

Fainting Cats: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I cannot resist.

LCD Soundsystem's Gavin Russom

My favorite member of LCD Soundsystem is without a doubt, Gavin Russom, a fantastic engineer who has played with Lightning Bolt, built instruments for LCD and Black Dice, and is known as "The Wizard" for his technical prowess. He also looks like Worf from Star Trek.



In fact this LCD tour video ends with the host saying "Captain's Blog, Signing Off" so I'm guessing it's a fair judgment.

But let's just skip ahead to him dancing...



Worf!!!

Salesman Pete

Salesman Pete from Salesman Pete on Vimeo.

I was turned on to this movie by Gizmodo today, and it's phenomenal. 5 minutes you won't regret. To watch it in HD go here.

"I Want To Take Organized Crime Levels.... Down."

Nic Cage will save the world. And I will do everything I can to make this movie happen.

Was This Ever Entertaining?

It's sortof a basic question of humanity. Did cavemen get turned on by cave paintings? Did people in their middle ages during the Middle Ages (technically teenagers) rock out to loots and lyres? Did anyone ever watch this music video for "Honeymoon in Vegas" and react with something other than "What the fuck is this?"

Phew. A lot of pressure going into the next thousand TCRM posts. Glad to start it off with some Cage.

TCRM #1000

I wanted to make something special for this, but this is all I could think of.

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You're all so fucking amazing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIM!

This past year, my best bud Jim married his amazing and beautiful wife Caroline and today is his birthday. It's also my 999th post on TCRM, and since he's a huge influence on the site (heck, this image is inspired by his brilliant Danzig Facebook pic), I figured I'd dedicate this last trip-dig' to him.

Happy birthday jiiiiiimiiiiiii!

C Ya L8R, Sexting!

This week, Apple was awarded an patent for anti-sexting technology which will help parents prevent their children from participating in dangerous and inappropriate communications.

---

Melissa - I saw you in BC Calc today, and your sexy bod made my dick hard. I wanna fuck you so bad. You got sick tits!

THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT RECEIVED

Melissa - I saw you in BC Calc today, and your bod was so beautiful, it made me think about having sex with you. Your breasts are exquisite.

THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT RECEIVED

Melissa - I saw you in BC Calc today, and I was struck by your healthy proportions, so much that I'd hope you'd consider a consentual penetrative act. Your jugs are impressive.

THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT RECEIVED

Melissa - I saw you in BC Calc today, and I'd like to a tangential line approaching your horizontal asymptote. Your sin curves above the y axis give me a boner.

THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT RECEIVED

Melissa - I saw you in BC Calc today, and your genetic symmetry made me consider the natural beauty of the act of procreation. The slope of my unit increased 2x.

THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT RECEIVED

Melissa - when you walked into BC Calc today, I prayed the automatic AC would turn on. Everyday, when you walk in, it's like everything is in slow motion and when the bell rings, my shirt is soaked with nervous sweat. Everyday after class, I have to peel a layer off! Well today, I looked the label on my drenched blue shirt: GAP. That's what I feel is between us, and that's what I want to end. Melissa, please let me take you on a date and show you the man I am.

THIS MESSAGE IS TOO LONG

M e l i s s a - L e t ' s F U C K ! ! ! ! !

SENT at 10:31 PM

Yo Mothafuckas, Listen Up!

I got a NEW favorite COLOR. And that fact might suprise all ay'all, but fuck, thats how this shit goes sometimes.

I'm You!

[The following piece is Rated R]

Christine O'Donnell, you fox. You've had a first date on a satanic altar, you're dad is an unlicensed Bozo the Clown (the Marginally Sane Posse?), and now, you're me! Or you're you... Just to clarify, in your vision of America, if I choose to illegally play with myself, does that mean I'm in fact having sex with you (me)? Nice, Josh. (I mean, Christine)

Part of me thinks we're being too hard on this woman, but the other part of me thinks that maybe we've all agreed that the Senate is sortof innately a joke (Delaware has as much representation as California, which empirically makes no sense). Instead maybe the job has turned into an electable anthropomorphized "Hey, Fuck YOU!" If Christine O'Donnell is elected isn't that basically the message to the establishment? What else does a senator need to do? Unless of course, you're Olympia Snowe, in which case you jerk off the other side just long enough to get them excited and then run off.

So, Christine O'Donnell, will you spend your days in the Senate pleasing yourself or pretending to jerk the rest of us off?

America's Monorail

The Simpsons 412

I recently rewatched The Simpsons season 4's "Marge vs. the Monorail" and was struck by its prescience.

The episode begins with the town of Springfield finds itself a surplus when government watchdogs discover Mr. Burns is hiding nuclear waste in a tree.

At a town meeting, the citizens gather to decide what to do with it. Marge's idea to rebuild the town's infrastructure -- the roads are full of potholes due to civil negligence -- is supported with cheers. But the support wanes when Lyle Lanley, a slick salesman, sells the town on a monorail through the power of a catchy tune.

"I hear those things are awfully loud..."
"It glides as softly as a cloud."
"Is there a chance the track could bend?"
"Not on your life, my Hindu friend."
"What about us brain-dead slobs?"
"You'll all be given cushy jobs."

Marge: "But Main Street's still all cracked and broken..."
Bart: "Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!"

Isn't this all strangely familiar? A salesman pitching a get-rich-quick scheme to economically weak town and muting the people's concern with catchy spin -- you'll all be given cushy jobs! -- all at the expense of less sexy community-benefitting proposals. Fix roads? Fuck that, make me rich! We're all culpable here -- Lyle Lanley didn't take Springfield hostage, the people wanted this. But without any leaders at the town meeting, decisions are left to the whims of mobs, mostly likely the same people who approved the "elevator to nowhere."

Marge's concerns lead her to North Haverbrook, one of Lyle's past accomplishments, past a billboard that reads "Where the monorail is king!" There she meets this woman (12:28)



She says "Go away! There ain't no monorail and there never was." Tea Party insanity.

When the monorail breaks down due to faulty wiring (or possibly intentional, the breaks are named "Seld-M-Break"), police Chief Wiggum gets dizzy watching the monorail drive out of control. He and the Mayor argue over responsibility -- while people's lives are endangered -- and they decide to solve it by finding an ancient town charter. But by the time they find it, they've lost all sight of why they are there -- they spend their time drooling over their entitlements (Wiggum gets a pig every month, as well, as "two comely lasses of virtue true").

We're still on a monorail out of control, desperate to find anchor. I just hope there's a donut big enough for us.

That Crazy Zappa Music

I'm going for a new look these days.

Thanks to Jim.

Vimeo Festival Awards

Something Left, Something Taken- Full Version from Tiny Inventions on Vimeo.

The finalists have been announced, and the ones i've seen are fantastic. This one charmed me big time.

kceB nnelG

It's comforting to know that somewhere out there there's a parallel universe where Daniel Songer and Glenn Beck have swapped lives and the luck they've been granted.

OR:

Before Fox News, there was "The Backyard Porch"

OR:

Glenn Beck has half a brain. This is the other half.

ALSO:

There's 148 episodes of this.

SERIOUSLY:

You don't have to watch all of this - turn the volume down and just let his passionate moments give you a giggle.

UPDATE:

Monty Python's Milkman

Saved By The GTL

Remember when Mark Paul Gosselaar showed up on Jimmy Fallon a few months ago as Zach Morris, complete with blonde wig and giant mobile phone? It was like seeing your best friend from childhood, who looked exactly like the last time you saw him (unless you, like me, watched the College Years or the "Wedding in Las Vegas" made-for-TV movie). Knowing that his five best friends wouldn't show up behind him further cemented a truth you faced a long time ago: they're not real.

Maybe this is why Jersey Shore is so beloved. They definitely are real, and regardless if their friendships are based exclusively on the idea "we can make money together," interesting friendships have definitely been based on less substantial ideas (my best friends all come from the same college dorm).

And this is what makes this video so goddamn fun. Instead of tuning into TBS before school, I get to watch an untampered webcam video of these morons dancing to music I've inferred they would be into (it's clubby, it's Italian, it's probably their ringtones). We're beyond scripted hijinx. Should the experience of death resemble the final scene of Titanic, I imagine to many of us it will look exactly like this: all your best friends, jumping around in front of camera, giving you a smile.

E.T. 'n' O.D.B.

Everything about this is brilliant.

If You Were Magically Transformed Into A Seal, What Would YOU Say?

This poor dude stuck in a seal says it all.

My Daily Conversation With Facebook

While doing something productive.

FACEBOOK

Missed me, didn't you?

ME

No, I just wanted to tell you something pithy and leave.

FACEBOOK

While you're here, I got some juicy dirt on a friend of yours from high school.

ME

Her? Well, we weren't really friends.

FACEBOOK

Well, it's not really dirt. It's just some bad pictures of her.

ME

Can you please stop telling me stuff about this person? I really don't care.

FACEBOOK

You got it.


Ten Minutes Later.


FACEBOOK

Missed me, didn't you?

ME

I actually just stopped by out of habit. Wait a sec - is that another picture of that girl from ten minutes ago? I thought I told you-

FACEBOOK

This is a picture of a different friend of yours from high school. I've got the lowdown on him, if you want it. But it'll cost you... kidding!

ME

Well, she's there.

FACEBOOK

Do you want to tag her?

ME

What? No. I don't want to see him, or her, or any of these people.

FACEBOOK

They're in a relationship!

ME

Seriously, I don't care.

FACEBOOK

I thought you said you were friends?

ME

Yeah, but...

FACEBOOK

Why don't you let me get rid of them for you... forever.

ME

Forever? That's so final.

FACEBOOK

C'mon.. Do it. DO IT!

ME

Bye.

FACEBOOK

You'll be back!


Before bed.


FACEBOOK

Missed me, didn't you?

ME

Ugh.

FACEBOOK

Ooo, iPhone app. Fancy. Who pays your monthly bill?

ME

Shut up!

FACEBOOK

Wanna know what that girl Rebecca is up to?

ME

Who?

FACEBOOK

You don't recognize her? You ARE facebook offish.

ME

Night!

Nick Carter: Proto Speed Racer!

I just discovered Nick Carter put out an album called "Before the Backstreet Boys," a collection of songs he must've recorded at a shopping mall karaoke booth when he was a much younger lad, and the album "art" reminded me of (...let's be real, almost everything reminds me of) Speed Racer.

Seriously listen to the Amazon preview of Uptown Girl and tell me Nick Carter is not a genius.

Late Update: Thank you, Sunday reader of my blog.



Late Late Update: I think it's fair to assume Nick Carter reads my blog.

3D Wedding!!!

WEDDING GIFt

It's not a perfect gif, but it was a perfect wedding.

Where Have I Seen Sharon Angle's Smile Before?

Oh right.

WEEK! OF! JIM! [Vanquishing Dragons]

As many of you know, my best bud Jim is getting married this weekend! He's the greatest dude ever, and Caroline is the most wonderful bride in the galaxy, so I will try to post some celebratory nostalgia of the man, the myth, the legend, the space-Jesus, the unicorn-hunter, the lord of midnite, Jim Fenner.

For anyone that wants to witness how Jim won Caroline's heart:

Rumble from John Mahoney on Vimeo.

If you'd like to see a snippet of Jim's influence on TCRM, here is the link.

I Aspire To Make This?

Seriously, I think if there ever was a global cue that we should all destroy our TVs, how did we miss this one?

Meet Spencer

"Spencer" decided to track MediaMatters.org and get a cool nifty YouTube hit that would force the organization to collapse, like that kid did to ACORN. Unfortunately, Spencer's not that bright.

Love that blazer, kid. Also, I sorta want to play you in poker.

What I Offer

I just checked my google analytics, and my Arcade Fire post has been a hit! It's now my number 2 top post of the past few months. My number 1?



Your welcome, world.

My Impression Of Conservative America

Updated 8/11: You Snooze You Loze.

For All You Doubters Out There

For all of you who have been telling me my ENTIRE life "You'll NEVER go to an LCD Soundsystem concert," I say, OH YEAH?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah--yeah yeah yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah--yeah.

Late Update: Yes, I'm wearing sunglasses at night. It's a long story.

Pitchfork Transcription Review 9.7

In a conversation with Win Butler (Arcade Fire)...

Pitchfork: That's funny because when you guys first started doing shows for this tour, a lot of people were talking about your hair as well-- on the internet, at least. [laughs]

Where else will you read an interview transcription where the "journalist" transcribes laughing at his own remarks? [giggles]

The Onion on Contemporary Anti-Semitism

Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures

"Which Came First?" by Chicken vs. Egg

I love crazy rap music, especially when it's about settling ancient debates.

By LostMoonRadio.com

Snark/Hate Fire (An Apology)

I wrote a post the other day on the Arcade Fire that just was a little too snarky for my tastes, so I want to retract it. From now on, less snark-hate fires and more shark-aid buyers.

My New Blog!

Today I googled myself, curious to see if there's anything that might be bad for me professionally. Then I realized I'm a fucking writer and if I need to contemplate what the benefits are of sleeping with a dancer who studies jazz in digital ink (lots and lots of jazz hands), SO BE IT.

In my exploration, I came across http://joshuasherman.blogspot.com - and since there's only one me, I figure I've been sleepblogging. In my somnamublog life, I accomplish what I've been searching for my entire life: I FOUND JESUS!!!



There, I'm "just an average guy who needs Jesus" and have programmed a Bible search engine right into my page.

I'd argue that my dayblog is better, but this guy includes dynamic references in his writing. How can you trust anything dayJosh says?

Arcade Fire vs. Inception

With the latest Arcade Fire hit just around the corner, what's really left to say about the band? To me, their status was cemented by the Where the Wild Things Are trailer: okay, they're the voice of our generation. (But is that really the highest praise? According to the Nielsen numbers, Jersey Shore: Miami might be the voice of our generation, too...)

I digress. Truthfully, I really like (the?) Arcade Fire. This afternoon I went back to their first two albums, "Funeral" and "Neon Bible" - they hold up well - Funeral's still pretty awesome, Neon Bible's all right, but it has "(Antichrist Television Blues)" which is their second best song after "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" and overall I like the album.

So driving around LA, it occurred to me though that not only are ALMOST ALL of Arcade Fire's best songs about dreams, sleep, and memories (just to list a few - Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels), Wake Up, Rebellion (Lies), In The Backseat, No Cars Go), but that Arcade Fire might be the best band in real life.

But is this real life?*

	Win Butler vs. Dom Cobb (DiCaprio) Dark, brooding, mysterious. But chill out, bra! We know you're the best, and we're all rooting for you, so lighten up!
	Régine Chassagne vs. Mal Cobb (Cotillard) Les belles erotiques. Mon dieu! But yeah, these ladies seem slightly detached, like if you asked these ladies for the time, they'd just stare at you, giggle, and walk away.
	Will Butler vs. Arthur (Gordon-Levitt) Like a sleaker version of Cobb, in charge of the second unit. Also, when Will bangs on his helmet with a drum stick, is he just activating the kick? And who's in that dream???
	Sarah Neufeld vs. Ariadne Because, why not add a few cuties to the team?

* David after Dentist was onto something...

Anthony Fucking Weiner

Who says C-SPAN isn't exciting?

(Oh, right, everyone.)

Sorta Wish My Bar Mitzvah Invitation Looked Like This

I totally would've gotten laid on the bimah.

What Does Alan Moore Sound Like?

I had no clue, and then I found out: he sounds just like he looks. (starts at 0:30)

MJ Losing

MJ after losing 1990 playoffs to Detroit in Game 7

from bill simmon's mailbag

Q: Game 7, Bulls v. Pistons, 1990. If LeBron gave us "The Decision," then at 10:15 in the clip, Michael Jordan -- the unequivocal greatest basketball player of all time -- shows you "The Difference." In defeat, in 30 seconds with Pat O'Brien.
-- Craig H, Los Angeles

SG: (Nodding.)

Teenage Mutant Hardcore Turtles

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

via pitchfork

Back Beck Blech

Welcome to my nightmare. Then again...

Pretty, Sure

This commercial... yeah, it's beautiful and cool and blahblahblah. Don't you sorta get the feeling though we've seen this kind of commercial a million times already?

Die Hard (Batteries)

As a young'un, I often confused household goods with their superior alternate meanings. I remember constantly thinking that floppy disk in the stack in the "computer room" labeled "Laserjet" was a video game my dad had been hiding from me. But no, it was an old timey printer driver that could probably print 8 pages a minute. BUT THAT'S STILL SUPERFAST.

DIE HARD batteries was another one. As many of you know, I'm a big time Die Hard fan and just the sight of those words gives me a Nakatomi Plaza in my pants (<-- really sorry about that, I'm pretty sure that's my first boner joke on this blog). The jolt of excitement seeing those words matched the jolt you'd get if you licked it, but the battery company would always rank 2nd in my mind to the holiness that is the movie.

Until today! In this video, Gary Numan plays "Cars" on a keyboard made of cars, all powered by a Die Hard battery.

Welcome, Die Hard batteries, to the world of excellence.

[via youaintnopicasso]

Hey Nicolas Cage! Did You Ever Drink Beer In High School?

This is how you open an interview on Letterman.

Other notes: Cage was unbelievably awesome in this interview - he acknowledged how critics are all over him and how little he cares about that - he displayed enthusiasm for "Ghost Rider 2" which even I don't support - and he demonstrated an extensive knowledge about Goethe.

GOETHE!!!!!

Shaved

Considering I'm now temporarily fully employed, I decided this morning to shave my nearly uninterrupted 2 year beard with a 5 blade Schick razor (which adds up to 40% hipster). IT WAS SCHICK!!!! My face is still silky smooth.

This afternoon, I attended a production meeting where every man had a beard... except me. And noticing this, my boss blurted out: "Can you grow a beard?"

Amazing.

Last Time Before That Florida Put Together This Many Talented People

Lou Pearlman was molestin'em.

Just sayin' again.

Last Time Florida Had A "Dream Team"...

...it looked like this.

Just sayin'.

NBA nWo

Bill Simmons brought this up, but if you haven't listened to it yet, you really must. It's so spot on what's going on right now, it's EERIE broooootherrrrrrr!!!!!

Breaking Away! (Say it like Eddie Furlong in T2)

This is so awesome. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

How Miami Got LeBron James (Maybe)

Warning NSFW!!!!

Look, it's no secret: porn stars and Miami go hand in hand.

Also, arms-over-shoulder

If LeBron goes to Miami, I'll basically be more revolted than Tiger fucking porn stars. At least he felt shame. Shame!!!