Thursday, December 31, 2009
1. Grizzly Man (2005): A crazy guy loves bears so much that he lets one of them eat him. Amazing.
2. Freddie Got Fingered (2001): Maybe the single greatest Oedipal narrative ever committed to film. The hatred between Tom Green and Rip Torn builds slowly and convincingly, eventually blurring all diegetic and pro-filmic distinctions. Plus it's like watching the C.E.O. of 20th Century Fox setting $10 million dollars on fire.
3. Mulholland Drive (2001): Why isn’t every movie like this?
4. Speed Racer (2008): Everything The Matrix wanted to say about our future, but much more subtle and diabolical in its execution. The Wachowskis claimed The Matrix was inspired, in part, by Baudrillard--but this is the far better example of a hyperreal cinema. A true masterwork of uncompromising superficiality.
5. 2 Girls, 1 Cup (????): The entertainment of the future will be about finding and/or simulating highly charged episodes of stunning actuality. This is a good start.
6. Idiocracy (2006): Should have made $100 million, but I guess that would have undermined its own purpose. Would thrive as a TV series.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
This is the first Funny or Die video I've actually enjoyed. FIRST.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I wrote a blog discussing the movie [link below]. Right now it has nearly 250 comments. Most of my readers agreed with me. Some thought it stank. What interested me was how they discussed the movie. There seemed to be two big problems in some minds: Nicolas Cage, and the movie's Biblical parallels.
Let's start with Cage. Some readers said they avoid his movies on principle. Many found him guilty of over-acting. A critic was quoted who referred to his "fright wig," which is just mean-spirited snark. I found this reaction puzzling. Cage has two speeds, intense and intenser. I like both speeds. I find him an intriguing actor because he takes chances. He's an actor without speed limits. You want an Elvis who parachutes into Vegas? A weatherman whose viewers throw fast food at him? An explorer of the national treasures buried far beneath Washington? He's your go-to guy.
He is also a superb actor. I cite "Leaving Las Vegas," "Moonstruck," "Adaptation," "Bringing Out the Dead." I have great affection for Harrison Ford,George Clooney and Brad Pitt. But can they go rockabilly like Nic did in "Wild at Heart?" Not that I liked the movie, but it's a good question. With him it's a lion-tamer on a high-wire. Anybody can play the ringmaster.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
It's weird to consider my experiences of searching the web for music to illegally download as a journey similar to that of a record junkie. Sure, he or she might call or travel to a record store somewhere across the country just to find a rare 45, but I think there is something to be said about how similarly those web-expeditions will be missed.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sure, a lot of his movies don't live up to his greatness, but he stays pretty solid (his performances are in red).
Cage Moves On From Punching Women In Wicker Man To Gunning Down His Daughter in Kick Ass [Fucking Hilarious]
COLBY, The Christian Robot, is the greatest thing I've seen this year. Radiohead can whine about it, and Arcade Fire can prophesize about it (ooooOOOOoooo), but COLBY fucking GET'S IT DONE. What does that mean? Why don't you ask COLBY, because apparently he's got all the answers.
Best Movies of 2009
I know you probably think I'm kidding, or I'm an idiot, but this was a great B movie with some hilarious moments. It's a thousand times better than 2012, which makes this movie 2,012,000.
2. Bad Lieutenant
Oh, I get it, Josh only likes Nicolas Cage movies. Well, this was such a fun performance to watch with a ton of memorable scenes. The pharmacy? Doing crack outside the Gator Lounge ("did he mooooooLEST you?")? Shaving? God, what fun!
1. Drag Me To Hell
I almost never want to see this movie again, because I can't emphasize how insane this one made me. I saw it with three friends, and we could not sit in our seats. I clutched the seat in front of me like it was a floating device after a plane crash. Never before have I feared that my heart might explode from laughing/being scared.
Best Onion Piece of 2009
Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman
It just felt so disturbingly real and nailed the creepiness of the morning news. Chi-chi-ni!
Most Regretful Moment of 2009
Going With The Flow and, For a Brief Moment, Liking Lady Gaga
I feel like if you say you don't like Lady Gaga, people will accuse you of being a homophobe. What's wrong with you? You obviously don't get it, she's being GLAM, you know, like David Bowie. Oh so only men can be glam? YOU PROBABLY THINK SAME SEX COUPLES SHOULDN'T MARRY. Why do you hate gay people???
Yikes. Well, I don't like Lady Gaga, and I don't care that she can play the piano. When did "can play an instrument" become a badge of authenticity for a musician?
Worst Thing Of The Decade
The Black Eyed Peas
First of all, please see the Cracked Hate By Numbers piece "Black Eyed Peas Have Officially Written the Worst Song Ever"
Let's start by splitting them up. Since I only know two of them, let's start with Fergie.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
No. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
And yet, in that moment, I kissed her fucking hand. Because what else could I have done? Politely excused myself on account of a little thing going around called Swine Flu? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE. But I'm a fucking idiot, who kisses drunk old lady's gross wrinkly hands. Tell your grandma to watch out, this GHILK-Hunter is on the prowl.
It's not like I didn't have a second opportunity to share with her my true feelings. After I degraded myself by putting my lips on her wino-paws (the same lips that I'll use on my wedding day!), she says:
"It's the craziest thing... you stick a hand in front of a man, aged 18 to 100, and he'll kiss your hand!"
Fuck you, AARP (that is, Aging Alcoholic Raping Pmydignity). At least you are staying away from innocent minors. They don't need you haunting their dreams. Oh, wait, now that I think about it, you DO look really familiar.
So to all you old ladies out there thinking the world is full of gentlemen: put your hands back in your fucking purses next to your tiny bottles of brandy. I'm not saying the world isn't full of gentlemen - oh we're out there. But we're kissing your hands to save you the embarrassment of telling you how we actually feel.
Next time, I can only hope it goes a little like this:
"Josh, please meet the Dutchess of Green Pond"
"Oh, you may call me Dutch" [shoves her old mitt in my face]
"Dutchess of Green Pond? Are you sure you're not Dutchess of the Black Lagoon?"
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Today I had to pick up a pound of coffee beans at Starbucks.
Starbucks Man: [inaudible]
He's doing something, so I wait.
J: I can't hear you.
SBM: She'll help you.
Starbucks Woman: Can I help you?
J: Yes, I need a pound of coffee, grinded.
SBW: You should try our Christmas blend.
J: Thanks, but I don't want to try a pound of Christmas coffee. Can I just get the basic kind?
SBW: Oh, you want the pike* blend?
J: Is that the least expensive one?
SBW: I don't know.
I wait for her to, y'know, figure it out. She doesn't.
J: Well, I don't know either. Can you check for me?
She takes me to the wall of beans.
SBW: I can't tell.
J: Well, what do you want me to do? Is it more expensive than the French Roast blend?
SBW: Oh, wait yeah.
J: Okay, then I'll take the French Roast blend.
SBW: But that's more expensive. See?
J: Just give me the least expensive one.
SBW: The pike blend.
She rings me up.
J: I need to get those grinded.
SBW: Oh, he'll do that for you.
Get ready folks.
SBM: What kind of filter do you use?
J: Umm, not the paper kind. You know, the plastic, sorta mesh one, it's hard?
SBM: The metal kind?
J: I don't know, is that metal?
SBM: There are a lot of different kinds of filters.
J: Okay, so just give me the metal filter kind.
He gives me a look that says "Are you fucking retarded?" Really one of the stinkiest looks I've ever gotten.
I'm amusingly stunned, but not angry.
J: I don't know why you are treating me like this.
J: You are making me feel like an idiot, and I just don't know why.
SBM: You're kidding right?
I must emphasize, I'm just shocked right here, and not at all aggressive.
J: No, I'm not kidding. You are making me feel like an idiot and I don't know why.
SBM: Well, I don't want you coming back here all upset because your beans are ground for the wrong kind of filter and want to return them.
J: Just give me the beans, no one is going to return any beans.
He shoves the bag of beans in my hand and I leave.
Friends, all I wanted was the cheapest bag of beans, grinded. I do not think this makes me a difficult customer, or an asshole, OR an idiot. This wasn't about me not wanting to call a medium a grandé or some other bourgeoise bullshit.
For those of you who work on the other side of the cash register, please let me know what I did wrong.
*Pike beans - I have no idea what they were called, this is what it sounded like, nor do I care, because I hate Starbucks.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Highlights include Bill O'Reilly saying "Let me be very bold and fresh again" which sounds so strange.
Everytime Palin is asked why she's qualified, I understand she's saing words that sound like a point, but doesn't the overall answer to completely refute her? Show and Tell people!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
holy holy fuck fuck i'm so excited
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
someone please mashup!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
In recent years Mr. Cage’s lack of discrimination (or taste) has threatened to overshadow the sweep of his career, which is understandable if you’ve seen him in the laughable remake of “The Wicker Man” (2006), about a cop battling honey-growing female pagans, including while wearing a bear costume. Yet after “Bad Lieutenant” I have begun to wonder if the narrative that many of us have grafted onto his career — the early if erratic promise, the mature successes, the dire midlife choices — does him an injustice. The truth is that he gets the job done in entertainments like “National Treasure” and “Knowing”(2009), which assumedly give him the financial freedom to cut loose with a director like Mr. Herzog. And the highlights from “The Wicker Man” (available on YouTube) do have their demented pleasures.
Mr. Clooney, again by point of unfair comparison, has rarely if ever delivered a performance as profoundly out of sync with the presumptive goals of a movie as Mr. Cage’s turn in “The Wicker Man.” But neither does Mr. Clooney send shivers up your spine, either in delight or dismay. Mr. Cage is the more unpredictable actor and consequently the more dangerous one. He has made a habit of failure and frequently pimped out his talent. And yet, as “Bad Lieutenant” shows, he remains the same Nicolas Cage of his early, later and most critically lauded career: the man of a thousand facial tics, a student of all accents and a master of none, a star who, for better, worse and sometimes both, gives us reason after reason to go the movies.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
“You know that scene in the movie ‘Blazing Saddles,’ when Cleavon Little holds the gun to his own head and threatens to shoot himself?” asked Ronald E. Neumann, a former ambassador to Afghanistan.
So much parody...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
must be tough to have to hang out with three harmonizing cuties all day