REVIEW: Cage & His Cat

Nic Cage tells this story like a motherfuckin' moviestar.

Everyone Has TV Hat Except Me

Goodbye, Cruel World (Hello, Constant Porno)

TV HAT!!! Finally, you don't have to spend your life limited to the bullshit around you. And that's not all! With TV Hat, you send a powerful signal to the people around you: "Fuck off! I'm watching TV, and I don't want to see your fucking faces!"

Someone, please buy me TV Hat!

The Spielberg Face

Really great analysis of A.I. at the end.

Jimmy Stewart Will Make You Cry

Mr. Show La Tengo

How fun is this video?

Alternate Reality

This is what happens when you abandon us, Chris Dane Owens. Thanks to The Mediocre Fight for the link, who also have a release party for their new album in Chicago this weekend.

Ace Ventura Super Slow-Mo

If I'm laughing hysterically now, how did I react when I was 9?

When "Sesame Street" Gets Gentrified

Sesame Street seems pretty awesome. Why don't they do an adult show?

Jimmy Morrison sings Reading Rainbow

Sylvester Stallone Designed A Pen

If the pen is mightier than the sword, shouldn't it be mightier than a bazooka?

[editor's note: here's a list of every gun Sylvester has used in movies]

Conan Reunites the Original 1982 Cast of 'Cats'

"God Bless Our Media"

This is sick.

Conan Delivers Chinese Food

Big fan of the show this week... I loved this segment.

Napoleon Dynamite IRL

Wait for it to get perfecter.

Curb Your Inflection Point

It's interesting to look back and realize that this scene basically changed the direction of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Haunting Houses With Augmented Reality

Microsoft is killing it with future tech this week. This shit is Plato's Mancave.

Spooky Ghost!

[thedailywhat]

It's like a combination of...

Conan Settles the NYC/LA Rivalry

Just Wow

My goodness!

Cain Begins Where Words End

Cain train unstoppable!

American Splendor

From an email sent by my friend from high school:

Sent 3:30 pm on 10/31/11

So something special has happened for Jssh and me that all y'all need to know about. Basically it goes like this. Ten years or so ago I was spending one lonely school night at home in my basement watching a positively terrible movie about a girl dating two guys who somehow convinces the two of them to comfortably date her at the same time called Splendor.

To put it simply, this movie kind of, you know, sucked, and the biggest problem with it was that the lead was this totally hot Canadian chick named Kathleen Robertson and I waited throughout the entire damn movie to try and see her naked and she never took her clothes off throughout the whole movie. There was a threesome scene! What the fuck?

The next day I arrived at school with my tale of woe for one Joshua Maxwell Sherman only to hear from him that he had had the same experience. Both of us were sucked in by the promise of boobs only to be disappointed after wasting 87 precious minutes of our Tuesday night.

It has haunted us to this day.

HOWEVER, Starz recently began airing a show where Kelsey Grammar plays the badass mayor of Chicago named Boss, which is actually pretty good, but in a desperate bid to show how serious Starz is in producing and airing serious drama they've decided to have at least one or two entirely unnecessary nude scenes every episode in which Grammar's top assistant bangs his chosen contender for governor of Illinois.

AND WHO IS THE NUDE ASSISTANT? Kathleen Robertson. And she looks phenomenal.

We did it, Josh. We did it.

Cain in ya Brain

Normally, I'd just edit this together, but I'm a working man now, so do the work yourself.

Confucius Say

Now, I admit, I've never read Confucius. Honestly, I find his writings a little confucing. But he definitely did not say this quote. I don't care if you find it in a book, there's no way he said this. This sounds the philosophy of a drunk grandfather.

"Confucius say get papa another drink."

Commentsment Update

A comment update from my Stephen Colbert Commencement Speech post:

Microsoft & The Future: Then and Now

Microsoft recently released this video of the future - it's a beautiful and exciting vision of the future. It's hard to believe this comes from the same company responsible for TCRM favorite, Songsmith (2009)!

The Divided Brain

Thanks Gizmodo. This is the best thing I've seen all week.

GG Allin on Jerry Springer

GG Allin is the Genghis Kahn of hardcore. Pretty great episode.

Great moment: "What is real rock n roll?" Audience member replies "Bon Jovi!"

Update: GG Allin, in his own words. At 14:00. (The reaction is incredible)

I gotta tell you one thing that's really bothering me. I went to prison for two years for what I did to a girl and she did the same thing to me but because she was a girl they let her off and put me in prison because she was the weaker sex. Now if women want equal rights they gotta do equal time.

Okay I cut her, I burned her, I drank her blood. But she also did the same to me!

Poking Zuckerberg

Who would think that on the day Qaddafi dies, the most brutal lede in the Times would be about Mark Zuckerberg's sister, Randi.

UPDATE: Holy shit, Randi Zuckerberg is like Facebook's Frankenstein. Mark might be the creator, but she is the Created.

Ms. Zuckerberg, who lives in a rented house in Palo Alto, Calif., has ambitions beyond the Internet. “I want a talk show,” she said two days earlier over drinks at the Mercer Hotel. She also wants to sing on Broadway. And she is interested in philanthropy: while in New York, she conducted live online interviews with participants of the Clinton Global Initiative and worked the red carpet at a United Nations gala.

Older women who are mentors, Ms. Zuckerberg said, have warned her that she must tone down her flamboyant persona, but she refuses to take heed. “This is a new world we live in, and it should be possible for a woman to be taken seriously and still do what she loves,” she said.

Obama Can't Catch A Break

Wahh wahh, I'm Obama, I want a diaper.

Andy D + Sven Midnite = Pure Alchemy

Let the magic wash over you.

Dental Plan!

Alan Sepinwall made a reference to "Last Exit to Springfield," so naturally I need to watch the entire episode. And a great one for these times.

So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower,
They have the plant, but we have the power.

Curiosity Made Cats Extinct

I was curious to see how creationism explains dinosaurs, and by the look of the first three results, it's not a good sign:



Note: the first link didn't work. And the second two links, to an ANGELFIRE website, look like this.




Perhaps one day, creationism will also explain ANGELFIRE websites.

Best NYTimes Headline Ever

Live Blogging TV Broadcast of Michael Bay's "The Island"

Watching "The Island." Might be Michael Bay's masterpiece, in that it's unbelievably awful.

I thought I heard "The Island" come back on, but it was just a commercial for TD Waterhouse.

For a movie about a evil fascist society using brainwashing techniques, the use of frequent product placement is just bold filmmaking.

Woman asked to hold her newborn baby, evil Dr. Jewface said "not yet," then killed her w IV drip. Dr. Jewface is so mean!!! #theisland

I'm pretty sure this movie is about if Crunch Fitness took over the world. The people in control call people "products"!

Has there been ONE Michael Bay movie without a computer command center?

Every time Sean Bean is on screen in those glasses and slicked back hair, he looks like he's in a glare-free lenses ad.



Oh man! The Island just became The Village! There's 1hr30mins left, how?

Ewan and Scarlett must learn a bunch of exposition from a pointless character who will def be killed later on. Who do you hire? Buscemi.

Buscemi, giving them $: "There is one universal truth - you never give a woman a credit card" Take that, stoopid girls! Boys! Boys! Boys!

Take a drink - gratuitous Michael Bay camera-going-through-walls shots.

Take a drink - gratuitous person-thinking-while-shot-from-below-with-skyscrapers-in-background shots.

Steve Buscemi's character was killed. What was that, like 15 minutes?

Take a drink - gratuitous cars-on-highway-flipping-over-from-debris shots.

Recycled Shot Sequence Used in Transformers 3

NOW we're talking. Hovercraft with machine gun turrets! This will solve lots of plot issues.

For example, a second ago they were on the street and now Scarlett is hanging off a tall building.

The fun of axn movies is to watch characters forced into dangerous situations - in MBay movies, they recklessly do it w/out thinking twice.

If a giant-all-powerful-corporation can't kill two people who have never seen the sky before, we're in a lot of trouble.

FACT: It's impossible for Bay to film people wearing glasses without it looking like a commercial.

Did these companies really think product placement works? It makes me so angry, I could really go for a Michelob Light.

Real Ewan told Clone Ewan he needed a clone because of too much sex. "I'm not good at all this stuff, y'know confessions and regrets"

Take a drink - gratuitous part-of-third-act-taking-place-in-ancient-crumbling-cathedral-that-somehow-exists-in-outskirts-of-LA.

Clone Ewan and Scarlett having sex for their first times. Scarlett: "The Island is real. It's us." Deep.

Ben & Jerry's product placement. American Express product placement. Girls in bikini. Cold hearted black guy. Black choppers. It's Bay time.

They just broke into the factory. I know this. But I have no idea how they did it. It just happened.

Make no mistake: this is Michael Bay's holocaust movie

After being provided for their entire lives and told of a magical island, these freed clones seem way too excited about an empty desert.

And it all ends just like every other love story: Ewan and Scarlett riding off on a zillion dollar yacht.



That was really awful, but I was wrong. No way it's worse than Transformers 2.

War of the Worlds is on! "You know what your problem is?" Tom Cruise: "I can think of a couple women who'd be happy to tell ya" @humblebrag

Twin Peaks: Scoring

This is Angelo Badalementi, who scored Twin Peaks (and more recently, Drive), telling the story of how he wrote the theme with David Lynch. It's like watching someone tell the story of a creative orgasm, or summoning an inspirational poltergeist. My cousin Andrew shared it with me, and he's killing it with YouTube recommendations.

Internet Story

Internet Story from Adam Butcher on Vimeo.

Another wonderful short film I just discovered. The way it blends different mediums flawlessly demonstrates a control of narrative I wish I had.

Moderner Romance

A man finds a canister of film in Prospect Park and sets out to find the photographer.

I would love to write more about this video, but it's Saturday night, and I just want to get it out there for anyone who hasn't seen it. Be sure to watch part 2 and part 3 as well.

Hey Buddy, Thanks For Protesting With Us, Why Don't You Take The Rest Of The Day Off?

My god, get this kid out of there!

Where the Deer and the Antelope...

HOLY SHIT

Terra Nova, Plotta Notta

A journey in time to an ancient civilization where man coexisted with dinosaurs, presented by Steven Spielberg and Amblin Entertainment.

Reflecting on Breaking Bad

No, I'm not reflecting on Breaking Bad. But I found this clip reversed on YouTube, and it's sortof a perfect way to go back to this scene which we now know is incredibly important.

Black Metal Hypno Toad

My favorite black metal one toad band.

Remix The Matrix

From OpenCulture:

With a series of three films, director Kirby Ferguson has been gradually making the case that “Everything is a Remix.” In doing what they do, artists collect material, combine and transform it, and eventually mold it into something unique, though not entirely new. Ferguson has traced this idea through literature and music, filmmaking, and technology/computing. And while we wait for the fourth and final installment in the series, we get a little treat to tide us over — a six minute look at the cinematic origins of the 1999 sci-fi action film, The Matrix. Made by Robert Wilson and with the help of some crowdsourcing, this fun video identifies 24 films that influenced The Matrix. They’re are all listed below the jump. Consider watching the clip in a wider format here.

0:27 – Fist of Legend (1994)
0:38 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
0:44 – Fist of Legend (1994)
0:48 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
0:53 – Drunken Master (1978)
1:02 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:09 – The Killer (1989)
1:19 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:21 – Iron Monkey (1993)
1:31 – Once Upon A Time In China (1991)
1:36 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:41 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
1:45 – Philip K. Dick Speech (1977)
2:18 – Strange Days (1995)
2:24 – Akira (1988)
2:30 – Total Recall (1990)
3:24 – Alice In Wonderland (1951)
3:42 – The Killer (1989)
3:53 – A Better Tomorrow (1986)
4:05 – Ghost In The Shell (1995)
4:32 – Akira (1998)
4:39 – Koyannisqatsi (1982)
4:49 – Dr. Who: The Deadly Assassin (1976)
5:10 – Ghost In The Shell (1995)

Life is Worth Losing

George Carlin - Life is worth losing [2005] from Lupsan Andrei on Vimeo.

A Modern Man, by George Carlin

I'm a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium.

A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I've got no need for coke and speed; I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down. 'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.

My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-core—no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.

And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'; jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt;

and I'm hangin' tough.

Over and out.

Baruchin Bad: Israel's Blue Crystal

From nytimes:

An Israeli scientist won this year’s Nobel Prize in Chemistry for discovering quasicrystals, a material in which atoms were packed together in a well-defined pattern that never repeats.

Mirror Rooftop

I love the new album, and this performance on pitchfork is killer. Also, I must own this:

Simpsons Couch Gag, By Ren & Stimpy's John K

Night Terrors

The FBI is afraid advanced remote controlled airplanes that carry a payload up to 40 lbs might be used for terrorism. This is a high quality video taken from a remote control plane (completely unrelated to a recent arrest) but man, it totally looks like an amazing dream.

Fresh Air

According to Reddit, this is Michael Jordan in his college dorm room, 1983.

C'mon, Kenny Love

I haven't listened to the new Bon Iver album, but I fully expect it to sound like this Kenny Loggins album cover. I shared this sentiment on Facebook, and Jim responded with such an exquisite response, it deserves immortality. And so does he! AND SO DO YOU!

Rick Perry Double Speak

What is Rick Perry really saying to Americans?

Go Sling Racer Go

AV Club: He’s simply called “Driver.” Do you feel he has any identity outside of driving?

Ryan Gosling: No, I don’t. I think he’s somebody who’s seen too many movies. He’s confusing his life for a film, and he’s made himself the hero of his own action film. He’s just kind of lost in the mythology of Hollywood.

---

This movie would be PERFECT if it were only set in a purely synthesized hyperreal universe and the protagonist suffered an existential crisis. And instead of being "Driver" he was called "Speed Racer."

Suicidal Cows

I haven't really been watching Conan regularly since... yikes. But this bit sorta hooked me.

Moo!

Commentsment

Stephen Colbert returned to our mutual alma malter Northwestern this summer to give the commencement speech. I learned some many valuable life lessons from the speech, especially that I am apparently the only person technically savvy enough to record it via a webstream, because my YouTube upload of it was passed along to all the gossip echo chambers.

So here I am, a part of history forever. With this great power, comes the unfortunate responsibility of being emailed everyone's comments, which, lucky for me, is a topic that fascinates me. Who are these people? Why do they enjoy provoking strangers? Are these people even human?

With over 260,000 views now, I thought I'd share with you some of the bizarre and bland comments that caught my attention.

---

(in chronological order)

LaReinaMex318 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

Speakers like this are the only reason to spend the money on the Ivy Leagues ;)

Maggio6952 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

Blonde at :47. hollllleerrrrrrrrrr at me

TheFrostyJackson has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

What does "suma kum laude" mean?

1TheBusyBody94 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

0:45 FARRRRKKKK

9razzler9 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

11:16. the guy is sexy

sarwatrazz has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

it was good but conan was more inspiring and real for me...

JesusComrade555 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

hottie at 0:49

AnchorageDentist has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

I had no idea he really gave a commencement speech.

yourtacos12 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

12 people had to describe the lab equipment in their human sexuality class to their grandmothers at brunch

marcos161994 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

12 people live in a brothel

plainhiphop has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

12 people realized that he recycled speeches.

bosedog2003 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

12 people are pussies

ziggyccc1 ha aggiunto un commento su Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

he is so usless

drumONdrugs23 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

quit bitching, faggots. no one forced you to watch this. personally i wish i could have been in that graduating class.

mdubs2010 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

What a metaphor!

lredelman has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

this was my graduation speech and it was FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!

Conan was not funny. Sorry Dartmouth...

Raxer21 has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

Wow god like speech lol

coolboysess has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

Colbert is the man! Him and John Steward are legends.

If any of you guys are interested in random news, satire, and comedic updates check out my buddy's new twitter he's looking for some intelligent followers. His account is "EmPeaZee". He's a pretty funny dude, he's no Colbert but he's worth checking out.

QuarterMasterGaming has made a comment on Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University:

I will admit I do not know a lot about Colbert as a man and father but I was pleasantly surprised when he said to think of others and love others. To serve others instead of yourself. Under the selfish guise that his show portrays of him he is a man like all else with values. That is comforting.

"Do You Ever Think, One Day, We'll Ever Be Back?"

Former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to cinema after an 8 year absence to terminate the state of California. The movie industry has changed quite a bit since his last starring role, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, and since then there's been a rise of the indies. But like the T-800, Arnold will adapt in evolve to defeat this new monster, and Nikki Finke reports he's already signed on to an indie.

Well we at TCRM welcome the change. Who knows what we've been missing these past eight years!?

There Are Goodbyes & There Are Greatbyes

Reality TV is not completely worthless.

One Our Photo

Bad blog post title, but cool little stop motion thanng.

At least I'm posting again, right?

Infinite Stuff White People Like

The Decemberists pay homage to Infinite Jest. Michael Schur, of "Parks & Recreation," directs.

Wasps on the Web

The insect kind. This is vicious.

Sorry

This blog needs to be better than this...

WILD THING

You make my heart sing