So, you're a psychopath and you're looking for love. Getting out there can be difficult, especially when you really love wearing someone else's skin. I'd like to tell you "I feel your pain" but I'm sure that expression means something much deeper to you. Heck, it's the whole reason you got into the psychopath game.
So put down your skull-mug, get out there and go stalk "the one." And when you figure out how to get that first blind date (remember, NO HOSTAGE SITUATIONS), join me back here and I'll show you the rest is smooth sailing.
* * * * * * *
Pre-Date
1. Have a victim's suit/dress lying around? This is the opportunity to use your shears and skin-stiching skills to good use. Make it look like happy-person-suit/dress.
2. Arrive on time! You've spent years mumbling to strangers the importance of Punctuality, now is the time to put your money where your mouth is. Speaking of money...
3. Bring current currency. No one's impressed by your doubloon collection. You'll only make your life harder.
* * * * * * *
Date
Here it really comes down to the conversation. You obviously can't tell too many details in your life, but you also can't be too vague. For example:
Where did you go to school?
I went to Oberlin, but I got kicked out for eating my roommate's brain stem.
WRONG
Where did you go to school?
School? A place where children go to learn. Muahahahahaha.
WRONG
Where did you go to school?
School? Wow that feels so long ago, I can't even remember.
RIGHT!
It is not uncommon for a lull to occur in a conversation. This does not mean you are a failure! Repeat: This does NOT mean you are a failure. Hold your ground, breathe. Do NOT jump to whatever jumps into your head. All those voices, stirring up, calling your name... BLOCK THESE OUT. Jump back on a seemingly meaningless earlier topic and see if that conversation can go further. For example:
If you had a bad phone connection earlier, because you were working in your "basement"...
"I'm sorry about my lousy phone connection, I'm training my puppy to not bite my phone."
Now I know you're thinking "I don't have a puppy, but if I did I would strangle it" but you might find yourself a little more comfortable with a small innocuous lie. If she questions you on the dog later, say you gave it to your sister. If you've already killed said sister, and she comes up again (not from her grave, in conversation) you'll have to fake her death later. See?!? Dating can be fun!
PROBLEM!
You see someone in the restaurant you really want to torture/kidnap. Resist these temptations! You don't want your date thinking there's anyone more important than her/him. One little taste of someone else's hair in the bathroom will effectively ruin your date.
* * * * * * *
Post-Date
S/he suggests going back to his/her place. First of all you need to question yourself: is this person a psychopath? He or she has been having a lovely time with you, which come to think of it is very strange. And if so, is this the right psychopath for me? It would be an ironic bummer to discover this person was not looking for love, but actually for someone to throw in his or her stone pit.
If the date has been okay my advice is to walk the lovely to her date, sneak a little goodnight kiss, and if the voices in your head aren't screaming "TAKE HER SKIN!!!" she might be the one.
* * * * * *
Well you did it! A fun night out without killing anyone [hopefully ;)]. I encourage you to continue resisting your psychotic urges and trying to make someone the happiest person alive. Think of it as taking a hostage for a lifetime.
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