Sunday, May 31, 2009

Party, On the Moon, In the Jungle

can't wait for this weekend!

Die Hard Year One, The Comic Book




cool, but please don't make this into a movie.

Bottin - No Static

pretty cool music video! disco + horror movies

Saturday, May 30, 2009

What's Love Got To Do With It 2

I made this for my friend Angie today as part of a graduation gift, and then found out she was fired from her job. Be fearless with all that you do, Angie!

Breakfast Under Tiffany's


Freddy Lopez was walking in Manhattan, probably with his eyes looking just past his toes, while two police cars followed in pursuit. The chase didn't last long. Two officers jumped out of the first car arrived and threw Freddy onto the hood. A woman sitting in the back of the car was screaming, letting the officers know this was the guy who stole her Sidekick mobile phone.

The second cop car arrived. An officer stepped out and told the cops to let him go. Let him go? This woman saw him steal her flip-phone. On what grounds should they let him go? While the confrontation became heated between the cops, Freddy was bent over the hood in handcuffs.

Officer, if you want to keep your badge, you will let this man go and get this woman out of here.

As it turns out, the officer speaking on behalf of Mr. Lopez was standing next to him when the whole thing went down. The accuser dropped her Sidekick in the sewer grate when Freddy Lopez showed up. He offered to get it out for her using a long string wrapped around a pocket knife, a gold die (as in, rolling die) tied to the end of the string, a super adhesive glue used to trap rats, and a cone shaped device he made to divert water, which he calls "Moses." Oh, and he'd do it for $20. She said yes, and just seconds later the Sidekick was in his hand, pulled up from a distance Freddy called "deep." When she said she wouldn't pay him, he told her he was keeping it and walked away. That's when she called the cops.

You see, Freddy Lopez is an urban treasure hunter. He walks the streets, sometimes from 59th to Chinatown, searching the depths below his feet for everything that's accidentally slipped or dropped off 8 million people.

* * * * * *

Eleven years ago, Freddy came across an Italian guy who was dipping string through the grates with peanut butter smeared at the end (of what, I didn't ask). Mr. Lopez asked the Italian what the hell he was doing, probably having the same conversation I had with Freddy this morning when I met him searching for treasure outside my weekend bagel shop in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. He pulled the string up, wiped the mud off his find, and showed his soon-to-be protégé a silver ring. Freddy was impressed, but when the Italian opened up his briefcase, he was nothing short of stunned. A whole case filled with rubies, black & white diamonds, every karat of gold, rings, bracelets, everything. You should pawn it all, Freddy suggested. The Italian said no, he only pawns when he is hungry, and even then he only sells one piece at a time. Mr. Lopez started fishing the streets then, and he claims has been doing it everyday since.

In those eleven years, Mr. Lopez once found a partner to join him in their sewer heists. These were great times, he told me. "He would take one side of Manhattan and I would take the other." Like any great alliance - Simon & Garfunkel, Lucy & Desi - their partnership couldn't last. While Freddy and his friend were being interviewed by a woman reporter of "Manhattan Magazine," his partner's wife became uncomfortable with the reporter hanging around her husband, so she decided to join them during the interview. The details are fuzzy, but Freddy told me the jealousy and insecurity his partner's wife led her to pull out a butcher knife on the reporter. The partnership ended, and Freddy has been searching the sewers solo ever since.

Freddy calls what he does "a good hustle." He has found iPods, gold anklets, engagement rings, Tiffany rings - one just outside a Tiffany's store - and every other type of jewelry, his favorites he keeps on a chain around his neck (see picture). The rest he sells to his friend on 47th, "a Jew," he tells me, who taught him all about diamonds. His "good hustle" also affects his karma. He once rescued a police officer's car keys, and then was rescued by this same police officer during another altercation with the police months later.

But most importantly, he occasionally provides a service to people that, otherwise, would have no other option but to say goodbye to their belongings, no matter how sacred their losses are. The woman who lost her Sidekick, who refused to pay Freddy for his deed, was blinded by her considerable luck for dropping it right when the man with the right tools and skills walked by - if she had dropped her engagement ring instead, she might have believed she had witnessed divine intervention.

Before Freddy continued walking east down Lafayette Street in Brooklyn, our conversation ended with Freddy picking up pennies from below a bench next to me. I asked him if he picks up pennies from the sewers. He told me yes. "Everybody puts all their change in the same pocket. That's wrong. You gotta put your pennies in your left pocket and the rest in your right. That's the only way you get lucky."

* * * * * *

Freddy Lopez has no phone number, but he gave me his address if I ever need him. He lives in Red Hook.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Friday, May 22, 2009

Turbo Boost Tribute

Nice find, Alex. I like to think you have the kind of relationship with your new car that the 'hoff had with KITT.

You don't climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you're driven.

Fu Manchu



Please make this.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Sonic Celluloid

Matt Weir made this. So fucking awesome.

Terminator Dos

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is probably in my top 10 movies of all time. It was my first R movie (followed by Total Recall, which I couldn't get past the first 5 minutes of because I was too terrified), and forever changed my appreciation of liquid metal.

I'm hoping the new movie is a good time, especially since it seems I was in the extreme minority that didn't love Star Trek.

But obviously, nothing will ever surpass this moment:

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Solar-Powered Penis

Today I thought the concept of a "solar-powered penis" was sorta funny, but of course I didn't want to post an idea that wasn't completely, ahem, fleshed out. But I decided to google it and this was the top result:

the first result was from Rapmusic.com! how crazy is that?

"Hey you! Get out of my bushes!"
"It's not what you think! I have a solar-powered penis!"

btw that's some crazy alliteration - "solar-power penis pumpernickel plated key?"

HOLY SHIT! Alien Trailer (1979)

WHAT!!!!???

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Suicidal Bots vs. Misunderstood Mastodon Lyrics

fear not, friends. this is only a "bot" that pretends to be a real life person. still, if this bot does decide to kill itself, I hope it does it to Mastodon (the real lyrics are "leavin' you behind with my lonesome song") and not to the super lame "all by myself"

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Friday, May 15, 2009

Star Trek - Amok Time fight scene

I know this scene best as the scene The Cable Guy describes when he fights Matthew Broderick on the sattelite

UPDATE: Fuuuuuuck! I mean at Medieval Times. I am ashamed.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Old Star Trek With Lens Flares

this is hilarious - i'm trying to keep my thoughts on Star Trek to myself though - I have to pick my battles this summer.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Monday, May 11, 2009

No Safe Way

sex!!!!! via Everything is Terrible.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

HEP ALIEN



my favorite band!

Wanda Sykes at White House Correspondents Dinner

she's amazing.

Lucky Number Slevin

This post exists simply so one day I will be able to earnestly utter the ugliest sentence humanity has ever heard:

"You should read my blogpost on Lucky Number Slevin."

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Shaq is Amazing

he hangs out with a 7'4" 14 year old. he's the fucking man.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Finally, An NBA Player References the Presidents of the United States of America That I Care About

His Slump! His Slump! His Slump! It's in his head.

Statue of Liberty (the singular, bigger, and less funny version)

The Statue of Liberty's crown will be reopened to the public July 4th, reversing a Bush-era policy. This is exciting news, even though I am almost entirely certain I will never have the patience to wait on line and go.

Also:

The statue’s torch was closed in 1916 after being damaged by a saboteur’s bomb. The entire statue, including the crown, was closed after the terror attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

A saboteur?? Man those were the good old days, back when "enemy combatants" were probably called "nogoodniks." This magazine cover story is "Electricity Lighting Liberty" - amazing how back in those days, it didn't mean attaching car battery jumper cables to Gitmo prisoner's balls.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Man Vs. "Fuck This Life"

Today Anthony and I were hanging outside our building when we saw this dude walk up to the opposite side of this lamppost. He was struggling to take something off of it, giving himself at least a minute to try. Anthony and I thought it was peculiar - what was he trying to rip off? When he left, without the spoils of his attempt, we went over to see what he was trying to peel off. See the peel on the top left....

Finally, this man found a sticker that expressed everything he felt, and yet, he couldn't even take it. Fuck this life!

Ron Artest postgame interview on getting tossed

he actually is pretty awesome in this. he is remarkably sane.

Red Dead Redemption

this looks sick!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Ahh, Marketing.

It's the difference between Water Sync...

...and Sink Water.

Whatever!!!

Swine Flu at Big Picture

looks like some crazy dream.
who ya gonna call?

[link]

A Man, A Plan



Pretty cool - Panama canal trip.

The Limit

Today I reached a point where if I blogged what it was I was talking about, I would have secured my place hell. Sorry guys, we're all just gonna have to deal with it. Trust me, we are all better people for me not blogging it and you not reading it.

Mr. Chi City Goes To A Bulls Game



I laughed so fucking hard at this.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Monday, May 4, 2009

The New Girl



Just as I get a new roommate (big shoutout to AK-47!), The Office gets a new character who looks like she got airlifted out of Gumdrop City. I want to go to her. So cute!!!

Werewolf Amazing Happen This Year?

Someone Give THESE Guys a Webby

WTF, CLINT?

There is only one way to make sense of this: Jack Camaro came back in time for the Time Outlaws party, but also made a pit stop in 1982 (because DUH!) and told his story to Clint Eastwood.

Friday, May 1, 2009

You've Gotta Be Joakim

this dunk is everything this blog aspires to be