Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Best of 2010: Movies

There were good movies this year, there's no doubt. But let's just recap the biggest releases of the year (over 2,000 screens) to really relive the stink.

The Book of Eli
Extraordinary Measures
Edge of Darkness

Denzel, Harrison, and Mel are pushed to the edge. Will never see these, but I could conceivably do an Extraordinary Measures drinking game.

Valentine's Day
Shutter Island
Cop Out

A trio of autuers -- Garry Marshall, Scorsese, and Kevin Smith -- make the movie of their careers! I don't think I'll ever see Shutter Island, even though I'm not opposed to it.

Alice in Wonderland
Brooklyn's Finest
Green Zone
The Bounty Hunter
Hot Tub Time Machine
How to Train Your Dragon

Green Zone was a letdown, even though it was not bad. The Bounty Hunter looks like it was made by a focus group consisting of everything I hate, all in one (brooding) package. Which brings us to TWEET OF THE YEAR:

Alice in Wonderland, however, was one of the worst things I've ever seen. I saw it on DVD, and I couldn't get through 10 minutes of it. Tim Burton, you're on notice.

Clash of the Titans
Date Night
Death at a Funeral
The Back-Up Plan
The Losers
Nightmare on Elm Street
Furry Vengeance

Might be winner for worst month of movies. Clash of the Titans was so bad, Sam Worthington had to apologize. Date Night looks offensively bland. Kick-Ass was pretty good, and Cage's best movie of the year. Maybe my Extraordinary Measures drinking game will just be an extended Fraser fest with Furry Vengeance.

Iron Man 2
Just Wright
Letters to Juliet
Robin Hood
Shrek Forever After
Sex and the City 2
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

The beginning of the summer season! Remember Robin Hood? Or that brief moment when you thought "Woah, is Jake Gyllenhaal gonna be an action star now?" Real disappointment here - I liked Iron Man 2 though.

Get Him to the Greek
The A-Team
The Karate Kid
Jonah Hex
Toy Story 3
Knight and Day
Grown Ups
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

How is it that Toy Story 3 was the only movie for adults this summer? What a shitty shitty month.

The Last Airbender
Despicable Me
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Ramona and Beezus
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Charlie St. Cloud
Dinner for Schmucks

Nothing like an M. Night Shayamalan movie to set the tone for the rest of the month. And Cage has a rare miss (kidding!) Just shit shit shit. Inception was dope the first time, notsomuch the second.

Step Up 3D
The Other Guys
Eat Pray Love
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
The Expendables
Vampires Suck
Nanny McPhee Returns
Piranha 3D
The Switch
The Last Exorcism

Wow... I only saw one movie from this month... and it was EAT PRAY LOVE two weeks ago, from a Redbox (which had nothing else to rent). Zoe and I couldn't get past the first 10 minutes. Unbearable.

The American
Going the Distance
Resident Evil: 3D
Alpha and Omega
Easy A
The Town
Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
You Again

The Town was pretty good... the action scenes were well done, but the Rebecca Hall scenes hilariously stupid. It was almost like a comedy sketch, where the love interest only speaks in vignettes that get more depressing. Her story arc: she gets held at gunpoint during a bank robbery, she watches her coworker get shot, she is kidnapped, her kidnappers release her in the middle of nowhere, she is duped by her kidnapper, she complains to him that other people stole her car, she tells Ben Affleck that sunny days depress her, because they make her think of her dead brother. They should've called this movie The Bank Job (as in Bible Job).

Case 39
Let Me In
The Social Network
Life As We Know It
My Soul to Take
Jackass 3D
Paranormal Activity 2
Saw 3D

I'd like to see Let Me In, even though I can tell it's already overhyped. The Social Network was excellent, and will likely win Best Picture.

Due Date
For Colored Girls
Morning Glory
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I
The Next Three Days
Love and Other Drugs

Harry Potter was a joke. I enjoyed watching it, but nothing happens. Unstoppable was a great dumb thriller.

Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
The Tourist
How Do You Know
Tron: Legacy
Yogi Bear
Little Fockers
True Grit
Gulliver's Travels

Gulliver's Travels is a perfect closer for the year: a little-people-kick-Jack-Black-in-the-nuts CGI comedy.

Best movie of 2010: 127 Hours

Last year James Cameron transported us to a world of unlimited wonder. Floating mountains? Yeah we got that. Danny Boyle pretty much did the opposite: he trapped us in a cave with James Franco with a half-empty water bottle, some rope, and a dull knife. Many people found the amputation scene difficult to watch; I found it exhilarating. Ripping yourself from your own flesh is only possible when you've reached contemplative bliss, and that's what this movie achieves.

Also, should we never get an Arrested Development movie, we will always have 127 Hours to stand in for the J. Walter Weatherman biopic:

"That's why you always leave a note"


Best Sketch of the Year: Trailer for Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

Funny or Die? CollegeHumor? Please. Cracked served up the best sketch - not a wasted moment here. Nothing came close to "Catch Phrase!"

I just saw Robot Chicken's Star Wars: Episode III which has an excellent sketch about Luke bumping into the Wampa he cut up on the Hoth system at a Space Gas Station. It's tragic.

Best YouTube Clip of the Year: Yoel Brach Productions plays L.G. fanfare (Shaya and Perry's wedding intro)

The Pope clip I recently posted is fantastic, but I gotta give some love to my Jews. From the opening explosion to the final panning shot of an Orthodox wedding, this video is unbelievably absurd. I particularly love that the backup singer clearly doesn't know the words -- he just knows if you sing 3 whole notes higher, you can get some chot harmonies (for those of you who don't speak Yiddish, that means "hot harmonies"). Also, phenomenal YouTube title. I hope to see more Yoel Brach Productions in 2011.

Blake Griffin.

Blake Griffin's alley-oop from Baron Davis is absolutely insane.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Inphallible Pope

This softcore pornographic moment was featured as a "Moment of Zen" on The Daily Show last week. Few things are this perfect.


This is a Flying Fox, the largest bat in the world. Or in Latin, Pteropus Holyfuckingshitthisisterrifying.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Must-See Video in 1 FPS

I'm not going to post the insane video of Clay Duke pulling a gun on a Florida school board meeting - it's horrifying - but I came across this video that featured stills from the video set to soaring Alternative Rock! Can you feel the emotion in those crushing power chords?

I notice these types of videos on YouTube more and more, complete with WalM-art-rock soundtracks. Who is making them? And who are making these choices? Are they slideshow-purists, some cult of Tesla-loving Edison-haters who believe the motion pictures is an affront to a higher power (the guy from Staind)?

"Thou shalt not flash pictures faster than 1 frame per second; it is an abomination!"

And if you'd please indulge this big leap, consider the trainwreck "Mom & Dad Save The World"

The film begins with lame parents boring their children (or friends?) to tears with a family vacation slideshow. The parents realize they cannot connect with their children -- film and general excitement have rotten their brains, and the family finds themselves, ahem, alienated from one another.

They then get sucked into a cinematic nightmare, literally pulled away from their world to a spaceship filled with gadgets, technology -- captured by the world of Edison-enabled conventional entertainment. The children, humiliated by their weak and emasculated father, are held captive and it is up to Jeffrey Jones, our old-school luddite hero to save them, their mother and the world from the fat fingers of Emperor Spengo (Jon Lovitz -- i.e. shitty entertainer) and his sentient fecal army. Jeffrey Jones is tested -- can he survive acting for the next 90 minutes in a fucking shitty movie? -- and eventually saves the day by defeating Jon Lovitz (who represents cinema).

The film ends with the family enjoying their photo-slideshow of their space adventure. Slideshows win.

What I'm trying to say "Mom & Dad Save The World" was a meta-movie created by Staind-worshipping all-hail-slideshow Teslians demonstrating in "Battlefield: Earth" commentary that movies are evil.

Need further proof that I'm making some sort of sense? Watch "Mom & Dad Save The World," the music video.

Pretty confusing, right?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Advice for Murderous Psychopaths on Blind Dates

So, you're a psychopath and you're looking for love. Getting out there can be difficult, especially when you really love wearing someone else's skin. I'd like to tell you "I feel your pain" but I'm sure that expression means something much deeper to you. Heck, it's the whole reason you got into the psychopath game.

So put down your skull-mug, get out there and go stalk "the one." And when you figure out how to get that first blind date (remember, NO HOSTAGE SITUATIONS), join me back here and I'll show you the rest is smooth sailing.

* * * * * * *


1. Have a victim's suit/dress lying around? This is the opportunity to use your shears and skin-stiching skills to good use. Make it look like happy-person-suit/dress.
2. Arrive on time! You've spent years mumbling to strangers the importance of Punctuality, now is the time to put your money where your mouth is. Speaking of money...
3. Bring current currency. No one's impressed by your doubloon collection. You'll only make your life harder.

* * * * * * *


Here it really comes down to the conversation. You obviously can't tell too many details in your life, but you also can't be too vague. For example:

Where did you go to school?
I went to Oberlin, but I got kicked out for eating my roommate's brain stem.

Where did you go to school?
School? A place where children go to learn. Muahahahahaha.

Where did you go to school?
School? Wow that feels so long ago, I can't even remember.

It is not uncommon for a lull to occur in a conversation. This does not mean you are a failure! Repeat: This does NOT mean you are a failure. Hold your ground, breathe. Do NOT jump to whatever jumps into your head. All those voices, stirring up, calling your name... BLOCK THESE OUT. Jump back on a seemingly meaningless earlier topic and see if that conversation can go further. For example:

If you had a bad phone connection earlier, because you were working in your "basement"...
"I'm sorry about my lousy phone connection, I'm training my puppy to not bite my phone."

Now I know you're thinking "I don't have a puppy, but if I did I would strangle it" but you might find yourself a little more comfortable with a small innocuous lie. If she questions you on the dog later, say you gave it to your sister. If you've already killed said sister, and she comes up again (not from her grave, in conversation) you'll have to fake her death later. See?!? Dating can be fun!


You see someone in the restaurant you really want to torture/kidnap. Resist these temptations! You don't want your date thinking there's anyone more important than her/him. One little taste of someone else's hair in the bathroom will effectively ruin your date.

* * * * * * *


S/he suggests going back to his/her place. First of all you need to question yourself: is this person a psychopath? He or she has been having a lovely time with you, which come to think of it is very strange. And if so, is this the right psychopath for me? It would be an ironic bummer to discover this person was not looking for love, but actually for someone to throw in his or her stone pit.

If the date has been okay my advice is to walk the lovely to her date, sneak a little goodnight kiss, and if the voices in your head aren't screaming "TAKE HER SKIN!!!" she might be the one.

* * * * * *

Well you did it! A fun night out without killing anyone [hopefully ;)]. I encourage you to continue resisting your psychotic urges and trying to make someone the happiest person alive. Think of it as taking a hostage for a lifetime.