Friday, January 30, 2009

Advice to Bernie Madoff Regarding House Arrest From An Unemployed 23 Year Old

Bernie Madoff is being charged for securities fraud, allegedly running the largest Ponzi scheme ever with up to $50 billion in liabilities. While waiting for indictment, he's being held under house arrest in his $7 million apartment on the Upper East Side.

I've been unemployed since finishing an internship at Talking Points Memo in mid-December. The cold weather and general apathy to venture outside during those days gave me a pretty great regimen that I think Mr. Madoff might find really helpful.

10 am: Hit the snooze button, the first of maybe four times. Wake up sometime in between 10 and 11. There's not much to do before those hours, and I'm sure you don't want to watch The Today Show parade around crybabies who are pissed off with you. Matt Lauer - what's his deal? Is he supposed to be like my friendly neighbor? Fuck that guy.

Sometime Before 11 am: Take a shower. You don't need to shave... you're not going anywhere! Dry off, put your underwear on... Holy shit!! Is it already 10:59??

11 am: Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. It's on in HD too, if you have that. Right now we're at the end of Season 2 so let me fill you in: Lorelai and Rory are mother and daughter, Lorelai had a falling out with her parents when she was pregnant with Rory but Lorelai needed money to pay for Rory's private school so she can go to Harvard so she asked her mother. Rory started dating Dean, but in season 2 Dean became an overbearing insecure idiot, and now she's sorta into Jess, because he's dangerous.

After the titles for the show, run and get your cereal bowl and... crap... fucking ay Jim did you drink all the milk? Why did you bother to leave just a drop? How long do eggs stay fresh? These are sorta old... only one way to find out... perfect!

The trick is to cook the eggs on a low heat, and throw some bread in the toaster! And guess what: Jim left you a drop of milk that you can use in your eggs, so everyone's a winner.

11:10 am: Crap... All this cooking made me miss the first few lines of Gilmore Girls. Well fine, its an acceptable casualty, especially since you caught this episode last night at 5 pm (see 5 pm)

11:59 am: I know, Gilmore Girls is incredible... what the fuck am I gonna do for the rest of the--

12:00 pm: Oh Full House on ABC Family. That show was pretty charming... I wonder if it felt incredibly corny at the time. I'm pretty sure it didn't. Also, why did I think DJ was so hot? I was a very forgiving 6 year-old.

12:08 pm: Yes, you have seen probably 50 ads for The Secret Life of the American Teenager (which is either an artless rip off of Gilmore Girls or brilliantly capitalizing on the drama of Bristol and Levi) and probably 50 more for Kyle XY (Bernie, if you're wondering, its about a kid with no belly button...see).

1:00 pm: Turn it off turn it off! Damon Wayans's "My Wife & Kids." I agree, Bernie, a sitcom based on your life would be a way more interesting show with a title like "My Wife & Kids." This is the beginning of a bad block of T.V. so you might want to switch over to your Google Reader RSS. You don't have one?? It's awesome, it's like... instead of going to all your favorite blogs you just go here. Oh and to skip articles just keep pressing "J" and to go back "K" - I know, it's pretty sweet.

Oh who won the Knicks game last night? Look, Bernie, I'm sure courtside seats were nice back when you were on top, but now you're gonna have to watch in HD - it's really not that bad. In fact, I sorta prefer it! Did you TiVo it? You should totally do that. Okay next time. Let's see the blogs... David Lee snubbed from All Star Game! Look at what he said...

“It was disappointing. It would’ve been a really cool experience, but the guys that got in were all very deserving.,” Lee said. “All those guys are tremendous players and it’s great to even be mentioned in that group or to be in the conversation.”

Listen to
his humility! What do you think Bernie? I think he could be Jewish... I mean that curly hair of his! And that work ethic... sometimes I feel like I'm watching a young Lennie Rosenbluth! I agree, if he wants to be anything in this world, he should drop that sweet young man act and start sharpening his elbows.

Other blogs to check:

New York Magazine's Vulture - Oh man they totally NAILED Ben Silverman today... why do we care again?
Gizmodo - Neat! New HD video cameras. The future looks awesome.
The Onion - Oh man this is too funny, I have to share this with someone.
Pitchfork - The Decemberists released their album art? I gotta see this.

Feel free to walk away from your T.V. too... you just started that book why don't you pick it up? Okay I'll just lie down and read... a little... Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

4:45 pm: How long was I out for? Awesome 15 minutes until Gilmore Girls is on again... it's the next episode so you can really catch on pretty quick, but I really recommend starting from the beginning. Get some cookies... why not! Don't you get it? YOUR BREAKFAST WAS REALLY YOUR LUNCH! You totally just saved some dough, bro!

5:00 pm: Ahhhhh finally... a FRESH episode of Gilmore Girls... Yeah you'll definitely want to catch this again tomorrow.

6:00 pm: Okay now time to think about dinner. DONE! Just reheat yesterday's spaghetti. It's a forgettable meal, but I think Hashem and your judge might appreciate it.

7:oo pm: Best block of T.V. coming up... let's say it's Thursday, you could either do the News Hour (trust me, Bernie, they will be a little easier on you, than let's say, the thousands of people you've ruined), or you can take it easy with The Simpsons and Seinfeld and then catch 8 pm repeat of Daily Show/Colbert Report, and THEN catch a new episode of The Office and 30 Rock.

9:00 pm: Watch a movie bro! You did it, you got through the day! Oh I recommend a Roku - you can watch any of Netflix's OnDemand movies instantly on your t.v.! It's great, you can read up on it when you check your blogs tomorrow. Eat some cookies with ice cream (go for the cheap stuff).

See Bernie? You don't need to go outside. Enjoy your house arrest!


Jim said...

I didn't finish the milk, I swear! He did!

Creighton said...

One of the best parts of my weekend. More long form TCRM! I demand it!

Christopher said...

"It's on in HD too, if you have that."

I like this post. You're like some dude that got assigned the job of explaining to Bernie Madoff what house arrest is.

tenthou said...

I don't know what to say. This is definitely one of the better blogs Ive read. You're so insightful, have so much real stuff to bring to the table. I hope that more people read this and get what I got from it: chills. Great job and great blog. I cant wait to read more, keep em comin! epm consulting