Cain train unstoppable!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sent 3:30 pm on 10/31/11
So something special has happened for Jssh and me that all y'all need to know about. Basically it goes like this. Ten years or so ago I was spending one lonely school night at home in my basement watching a positively terrible movie about a girl dating two guys who somehow convinces the two of them to comfortably date her at the same time called Splendor.
To put it simply, this movie kind of, you know, sucked, and the biggest problem with it was that the lead was this totally hot Canadian chick named Kathleen Robertson and I waited throughout the entire damn movie to try and see her naked and she never took her clothes off throughout the whole movie. There was a threesome scene! What the fuck?
The next day I arrived at school with my tale of woe for one Joshua Maxwell Sherman only to hear from him that he had had the same experience. Both of us were sucked in by the promise of boobs only to be disappointed after wasting 87 precious minutes of our Tuesday night.
It has haunted us to this day.
HOWEVER, Starz recently began airing a show where Kelsey Grammar plays the badass mayor of Chicago named Boss, which is actually pretty good, but in a desperate bid to show how serious Starz is in producing and airing serious drama they've decided to have at least one or two entirely unnecessary nude scenes every episode in which Grammar's top assistant bangs his chosen contender for governor of Illinois.
AND WHO IS THE NUDE ASSISTANT? Kathleen Robertson. And she looks phenomenal.
We did it, Josh. We did it.
Now, I admit, I've never read Confucius. Honestly, I find his writings a little confucing. But he definitely did not say this quote. I don't care if you find it in a book, there's no way he said this. This sounds the philosophy of a drunk grandfather.
"Confucius say get papa another drink."
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
GG Allin is the Genghis Kahn of hardcore. Pretty great episode.
Great moment: "What is real rock n roll?" Audience member replies "Bon Jovi!"
Update: GG Allin, in his own words. At 14:00. (The reaction is incredible)
I gotta tell you one thing that's really bothering me. I went to prison for two years for what I did to a girl and she did the same thing to me but because she was a girl they let her off and put me in prison because she was the weaker sex. Now if women want equal rights they gotta do equal time.
Okay I cut her, I burned her, I drank her blood. But she also did the same to me!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Who would think that on the day Qaddafi dies, the most brutal lede in the Times would be about Mark Zuckerberg's sister, Randi.
UPDATE: Holy shit, Randi Zuckerberg is like Facebook's Frankenstein. Mark might be the creator, but she is the Created.
Ms. Zuckerberg, who lives in a rented house in Palo Alto, Calif., has ambitions beyond the Internet. “I want a talk show,” she said two days earlier over drinks at the Mercer Hotel. She also wants to sing on Broadway. And she is interested in philanthropy: while in New York, she conducted live online interviews with participants of the Clinton Global Initiative and worked the red carpet at a United Nations gala.
Older women who are mentors, Ms. Zuckerberg said, have warned her that she must tone down her flamboyant persona, but she refuses to take heed. “This is a new world we live in, and it should be possible for a woman to be taken seriously and still do what she loves,” she said.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Note: the first link didn't work. And the second two links, to an ANGELFIRE website, look like this.
Perhaps one day, creationism will also explain ANGELFIRE websites.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Watching "The Island." Might be Michael Bay's masterpiece, in that it's unbelievably awful.
I thought I heard "The Island" come back on, but it was just a commercial for TD Waterhouse.
For a movie about a evil fascist society using brainwashing techniques, the use of frequent product placement is just bold filmmaking.
Woman asked to hold her newborn baby, evil Dr. Jewface said "not yet," then killed her w IV drip. Dr. Jewface is so mean!!! #theisland
I'm pretty sure this movie is about if Crunch Fitness took over the world. The people in control call people "products"!
Has there been ONE Michael Bay movie without a computer command center?
Every time Sean Bean is on screen in those glasses and slicked back hair, he looks like he's in a glare-free lenses ad.
Oh man! The Island just became The Village! There's 1hr30mins left, how?
Ewan and Scarlett must learn a bunch of exposition from a pointless character who will def be killed later on. Who do you hire? Buscemi.
Buscemi, giving them $: "There is one universal truth - you never give a woman a credit card" Take that, stoopid girls! Boys! Boys! Boys!
Take a drink - gratuitous Michael Bay camera-going-through-walls shots.
Take a drink - gratuitous person-thinking-while-shot-from-below-with-skyscrapers-in-background shots.
Steve Buscemi's character was killed. What was that, like 15 minutes?
Take a drink - gratuitous cars-on-highway-flipping-over-from-debris shots.
For example, a second ago they were on the street and now Scarlett is hanging off a tall building.
The fun of axn movies is to watch characters forced into dangerous situations - in MBay movies, they recklessly do it w/out thinking twice.
If a giant-all-powerful-corporation can't kill two people who have never seen the sky before, we're in a lot of trouble.
FACT: It's impossible for Bay to film people wearing glasses without it looking like a commercial.
Did these companies really think product placement works? It makes me so angry, I could really go for a Michelob Light.
Real Ewan told Clone Ewan he needed a clone because of too much sex. "I'm not good at all this stuff, y'know confessions and regrets"
Take a drink - gratuitous part-of-third-act-taking-place-in-ancient-crumbling-cathedral-that-somehow-exists-in-outskirts-of-LA.
Clone Ewan and Scarlett having sex for their first times. Scarlett: "The Island is real. It's us." Deep.
Ben & Jerry's product placement. American Express product placement. Girls in bikini. Cold hearted black guy. Black choppers. It's Bay time.
They just broke into the factory. I know this. But I have no idea how they did it. It just happened.
Make no mistake: this is Michael Bay's holocaust movie
After being provided for their entire lives and told of a magical island, these freed clones seem way too excited about an empty desert.
And it all ends just like every other love story: Ewan and Scarlett riding off on a zillion dollar yacht.
That was really awful, but I was wrong. No way it's worse than Transformers 2.
War of the Worlds is on! "You know what your problem is?" Tom Cruise: "I can think of a couple women who'd be happy to tell ya" @humblebrag
Saturday, October 15, 2011
This is Angelo Badalementi, who scored Twin Peaks (and more recently, Drive), telling the story of how he wrote the theme with David Lynch. It's like watching someone tell the story of a creative orgasm, or summoning an inspirational poltergeist. My cousin Andrew shared it with me, and he's killing it with YouTube recommendations.
A man finds a canister of film in Prospect Park and sets out to find the photographer.
I would love to write more about this video, but it's Saturday night, and I just want to get it out there for anyone who hasn't seen it. Be sure to watch part 2 and part 3 as well.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
With a series of three films, director Kirby Ferguson has been gradually making the case that “Everything is a Remix.” In doing what they do, artists collect material, combine and transform it, and eventually mold it into something unique, though not entirely new. Ferguson has traced this idea through literature and music, filmmaking, and technology/computing. And while we wait for the fourth and final installment in the series, we get a little treat to tide us over — a six minute look at the cinematic origins of the 1999 sci-fi action film, The Matrix. Made by Robert Wilson and with the help of some crowdsourcing, this fun video identifies 24 films that influenced The Matrix. They’re are all listed below the jump. Consider watching the clip in a wider format here.
0:27 – Fist of Legend (1994)
0:38 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
0:44 – Fist of Legend (1994)
0:48 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
0:53 – Drunken Master (1978)
1:02 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:09 – The Killer (1989)
1:19 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:21 – Iron Monkey (1993)
1:31 – Once Upon A Time In China (1991)
1:36 – Fist of Legend (1994)
1:41 – Tai-Chi Master (Twin Dragons) (1993)
1:45 – Philip K. Dick Speech (1977)
2:18 – Strange Days (1995)
2:24 – Akira (1988)
2:30 – Total Recall (1990)
3:24 – Alice In Wonderland (1951)
3:42 – The Killer (1989)
3:53 – A Better Tomorrow (1986)
4:05 – Ghost In The Shell (1995)
4:32 – Akira (1998)
4:39 – Koyannisqatsi (1982)
4:49 – Dr. Who: The Deadly Assassin (1976)
5:10 – Ghost In The Shell (1995)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Modern Man, by George Carlin
I'm a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium.
A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.
I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope.
I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.
I've got no need for coke and speed; I've got no urge to binge and purge.
I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down. 'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.
I'm super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.
But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-core—no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.
And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'; jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.
I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.
I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt;
and I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out.