FOUND: My Rejected Daily Northwestern Column

A conversation today led me to cite this column I wrote almost 2 years ago. It was sort of collaborative, as I wrote it while in a train car crossing into Hungary with Jim, Matt R, Peter K, and Mathias M. If it doesn't make any sense, whatevs. I thought it was hilarious at the time, and the fact I could make any sort of connection 2 years later only makes me that much happier...

A couple stands there, looking into each other's eyes. They are obviously in love and comfortable with expressing it in a train station. They kiss, and it gets a little sloppier. The man sticks out his tongue and holds his head still and the woman rubs her entire face on it, as if she's a kitten being cleaned by her mother's sweet embrace. She unbuttons his shirt and starts biting his neck, not enough to draw blood, but just enough to make him moan. Are they preparing for temporary separation? Is he going to war? No. They are getting on an escalator.

This scene, of course, did not happen in America. If it had, the couple would be mocked by a gang of schoolchildren probably wielding handguns while the local hate group union prepared to march and exercise their "free speech." This happened in Europe when I visited over spring break. So why are we so uncomfortable with our sexuality?

Our social prudence can be attributed to our deep (deeper than we think) roots of Puritanism. Consider The Crucible by Winona Rider. The Salem Witch Trials serve as an allegory for McCarthyism and the Red Scare. We have not broken the bonds of our Puritan roots. American culture is represented byDemi Moore, who must bear the letter "A" which represents "America" and her child represents the collision of Church and State because GaryOldman is, like, the Church, that really likes sex and all. It's about hypocrisy.

This is the conflict of America "culture." It prevents us from acting rationally, like the Europeans do. In Europe I experience, for the first time, something real.

The standing room at Staatsoper in Vienna is, in a word, transcendental. I spend 2 Euros but how can one put a a price on real culture? There I stood with the commoners to witness the hot new singer Anna Netrebko. Her voice is filled with passion and you know what? I totally get it. After the performance, I even make a friend. Johannes takes me to a small kaffeehaus off the the beaten path and we talk about art, literature, classical music, and then politics. I am ashamed. I explain to him that I detest Bush and that it is in Bono I trust.

We head back to his flat and I ask to use his W.C. His toilet is unlike any I have encountered in the U.S. and I become frightened. Johannes senses my fear and assists me. He explains that the shelf within the bowl is for my excrement to rest on. I look around for his toilet paper -- "No no!" he says and points to theBiday . He instructs me on how to use it and he grabs his 35 mm camera. I am confused but he explains it is for an art project and takes pictures of me and of my excrement on the shelf. When I finish he shows me his older photographs (black and white, of course) and they blow me away. I finally feel cultured.

I come back to America as a new man. How will I survive in such a cultural wasteland? Fortunately, I bring back a piece of Europe with me. I now have style with my Kangol hat and my Manchester United football jersey. I have traded in my rock CDs for Italian Opera LPs and my microwave for an espresso machine. I only wish my friends and roommates could join me in appreciating this real culture. But, alas, they could not understand it. They could not understand how much one can change on a six day trip.

Aww you guys inspire me.