Sunday, October 16, 2011

Live Blogging TV Broadcast of Michael Bay's "The Island"


Watching "The Island." Might be Michael Bay's masterpiece, in that it's unbelievably awful.

I thought I heard "The Island" come back on, but it was just a commercial for TD Waterhouse.

For a movie about a evil fascist society using brainwashing techniques, the use of frequent product placement is just bold filmmaking.

Woman asked to hold her newborn baby, evil Dr. Jewface said "not yet," then killed her w IV drip. Dr. Jewface is so mean!!! #theisland

I'm pretty sure this movie is about if Crunch Fitness took over the world. The people in control call people "products"!



Has there been ONE Michael Bay movie without a computer command center?

Every time Sean Bean is on screen in those glasses and slicked back hair, he looks like he's in a glare-free lenses ad.



Oh man! The Island just became The Village! There's 1hr30mins left, how?

Ewan and Scarlett must learn a bunch of exposition from a pointless character who will def be killed later on. Who do you hire? Buscemi.

Buscemi, giving them $: "There is one universal truth - you never give a woman a credit card" Take that, stoopid girls! Boys! Boys! Boys!

Take a drink - gratuitous Michael Bay camera-going-through-walls shots.

Take a drink - gratuitous person-thinking-while-shot-from-below-with-skyscrapers-in-background shots.

Steve Buscemi's character was killed. What was that, like 15 minutes?

Take a drink - gratuitous cars-on-highway-flipping-over-from-debris shots.

Recycled Shot Sequence Used in Transformers 3

NOW we're talking. Hovercraft with machine gun turrets! This will solve lots of plot issues.

For example, a second ago they were on the street and now Scarlett is hanging off a tall building.

The fun of axn movies is to watch characters forced into dangerous situations - in MBay movies, they recklessly do it w/out thinking twice.

If a giant-all-powerful-corporation can't kill two people who have never seen the sky before, we're in a lot of trouble.

FACT: It's impossible for Bay to film people wearing glasses without it looking like a commercial.

Did these companies really think product placement works? It makes me so angry, I could really go for a Michelob Light.

Real Ewan told Clone Ewan he needed a clone because of too much sex. "I'm not good at all this stuff, y'know confessions and regrets"

Take a drink - gratuitous part-of-third-act-taking-place-in-ancient-crumbling-cathedral-that-somehow-exists-in-outskirts-of-LA.

Clone Ewan and Scarlett having sex for their first times. Scarlett: "The Island is real. It's us." Deep.

Ben & Jerry's product placement. American Express product placement. Girls in bikini. Cold hearted black guy. Black choppers. It's Bay time.

They just broke into the factory. I know this. But I have no idea how they did it. It just happened.

Make no mistake: this is Michael Bay's holocaust movie

After being provided for their entire lives and told of a magical island, these freed clones seem way too excited about an empty desert.

And it all ends just like every other love story: Ewan and Scarlett riding off on a zillion dollar yacht.



That was really awful, but I was wrong. No way it's worse than Transformers 2.

War of the Worlds is on! "You know what your problem is?" Tom Cruise: "I can think of a couple women who'd be happy to tell ya" @humblebrag


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