100 Compliments!

To the creator of this, "The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time."

Lynch/Pynchon/Sherman

To make this story short, today had

1) A $25 ticket violation from LA for no front license plate ONLY MINUTES after resolving the issue with the DMV. I had been violating this rule for 9 months, and only got ticketed for it 3 minutes before I would have finally had a front license plate. I got the ticket at the Post Office on Wilcox/Santa Monica, where I was picking up...

2) An unknown package. When I arrived with my failed delivery notice, the clerk told me the package was lost, and I should call some phone number. I called when I got home and was told there was a mixup; I could pick up the package at the same Post Office I was at earlier (but not until I put on the front license plate). Before I left to pick up the package, I receive...

3) A warning robocall from Con Ed, the electricity company. They warn me not to use any appliances in my area. I closed my account with Con Ed nearly a year ago, in Brooklyn, and haven't been attached to any utility bills since then.

4) I return to the Post Office and receive the package. The employee rejoices when I tell him who I am... "the film critic!" "What? " "You're the film critic... Jay Sherman!" "Oh... oh right... it stinks!" Strange, I think, until he gives me the package. I can't recognize the handwriting, and the label says its from "PJI." Inside the almost weightless package there is no note, only a small envelope containing...

5) A mysterious stopped watch. The face reads 5:47:18. I have four hours to figure out what that means, I fear... is my time up?

Later in the day, I would receive two more robocalls from Con Ed. Does some electromagnetic event stop the watch I'm wearing at some future 05:47:18 or 17:47:18?

Tonight There's Gonna Be A Jailbreak

Can I just live in this video, in-camera effects and all?

R Kelly Pissin' on the World (Cup)

When I say "pissin'" of course I mean it in the "doing what R Kelly does best" kind of way, which is pumping out hilariously sincere hits. I don't know who is supposed to love this song, other than himself and underemployed liberals art post-college kids, lookin' to have some street cred [see: this blog]. But I can't help but smile the entire way through it.

But I actually wanted to quote where I found it from, The AV Club's Sean O'Neal, who is an amazingly funny news writer there. I definitely recommend filtering your Deadline Hollywood intake by reading his summaries.

From this R Kelly video:


"Not to be outdone by longtime rival Mark E. Smith, R. Kelly has released his own World Cup anthem, “Sign Of A Victory.” Sorry, but he’s in total “I Believe I Can Fly” mode on this one, so you won’t hear any clever soccer-related metaphors for lovemaking—nothing about bringing out his striker, or putting it through your goalposts, or playing when there’s grass on the field, or any of that stuff. Instead it’s just pure spiritual bombast in which Kells travels the world, from the roof of a skyscraper to South African villages while everyone (even women in burqas!) tries to take his picture, and lays out the various “signs of a victory”—the sun on his face, heaven in its place, his wings ridin’ the wind, etc.—while even slipping in a shout-out to global warming. Because we’re all about positive thinking today, we’re not going to question him on any of that as a "sign of a victory," not even his logically incorrect assertion that we can achieve anything, “even the impossible.” You know what? Maybe we can. Maybe all it takes is just looking at the rainbow."

Toy Story 3IRL

Turtle Soup

Makeup Sex?

Tonight, Barack Obama knocked on America's front door and tried to explain what happened two months ago. He wasn't with BP, they were just at the same place at the same time. C'mon, baby, you know he'd never do you wrong. Remember how we used to cuddle with each other?

Well, for some of us, according to the twitter reactions posted on the nytimes front page, it's too "little, too late." We're through, you fucking a-hole! You're never gonna get your hands on their sexy ocean again. Here's your mixtape, by the way. You and BP can go fuck each other, for all they care. And the worst part of it all, is that they thought you were different, Obama.

This Should No Longer Be An "Obscure" Reference

I had to explain this sketch tonight to a dude wearing an ALL TIEDYE OUTFIT WITH CARTOON GLOVES.

Update:

This sketch is based on these videos...




...and the McDonald's version...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

AHH!

Have you ever seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly? I don't think I have!?!?!?! That shit is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

May The YESSS!!!! Be With You

Must. Buy. Adidas.

The Sexiest Movie I've Never Seen (Well, I'm Hoping)

That's right, Species 2! I remember thinking this movie was pretty damn sexy when I saw this trailer at age 12, but I was too scared to ever see it. Not as interested by the first one, even though if you'd text me "We're watching Species 1" I'd be getting cozy on your couch before you can say "DVD or VHS?" But in Species 2, with Natasha Henstridge pressing herself up against the glass? Steamy. Now, it looks even better than it did then, and I'm overcome by all these 12 year old feelings just thinking about it. I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A RETAINER!

(actually, that would happen when I'm nearly 16)

But what better premise for an alien movie - these martian's wanna fuck! I hope Michael Madsen says "Hope you wore a condom" before shooting the Senator's son in the face.

Now THAT Is What I Call A Lady Gaga Parody

We've seen oddballs copy her, and soldiers in Afghanistan, too. But really, the Westboro Baptist Church (of "God Hates Fags" notoriety) makes the most impressive one. Sure, it's filled with hatred, but tell me you're not thinking when you watch this "How are WBC morons way better than me at Final Cut?"

Unfortunately for WBC, the Poker Face song is just way too catchy, and footage of WBC members holding up signs just isn't convincing enough. If I'm Gaga, I'm way flattered by this.

Bad Romance FAIL

from the top of Digg today. Welcome to Star Wars Kid land. I love her "dying wolf" voice.

The Hole Truth

This photo is real. From Boing Boing...

This photo just posted to the Guatemalan Government's Flickr feed shows a spontaneous sinkhole ("hundimiento") 20 meters deep and 15 wide that appeared today in Zone 2 of Guatemala City, after overwhelming saturation of rains from tropical storm Agatha. Local press reports that it swallowed an entire 3-story building. Not Photoshop, sadly: these happen from time to time during major storms in part because of unstable geology, and in part, bad urban engineering—read more about it in the comments. A break in the over-stressed sewage pipes after the storm was the cause for this one. There are rumors of other sinkholes now forming nearby