My Unpublished "Letter to the Daily [Northwestern]", Submitted 1/24/07

I was clearly in the throes of winter madness.

SUBJECT: i'm bringing tunaback

What is wrong with you freshmen?  Over three months ago I wrote a letter to the Daily calling for the return of tuna fish sandwiches and the cessation of freshmen coming to Norris stoned.  Now [name erased], a Weinberg freshman, is celebrating the permanent return of the Buffalo chicken wrap.  According to Wikipedia, wraps have only "recently become popular." This begs the question: why do you choose it over tuna?

My only guess is that you freshmen are worried because you are constantly getting pregnant.  The FDA, hardly infallible, has said that pregnant women should limit their intake of tuna due to high mercury levels.  These studies are questionable, as many children whose mothers have regularly eaten fish containing mercury do not suffer any ill effects. 

Maybe I am just out of touch and getting old.  If you google "Zach Braff Tuna Fish Sandwich," you get 307 results, whereas if you search for "Zach Braff Buffalo Chicken Wrap" you get 371.  This makes sense though: tuna contains omega-3 fatty acids which are good for your brain and you stoned kids hardly want to use yours. 

Well know this, freshmen: the things that are cool to you now will be so uncool by your senior year.  Do any seniors still use AOL Instant Messenger?  I should hope not (go Google Talk!).  Friendster?  Done.  The O.C.? R.I.P.  By the time you are seniors, I hope the freshmen are eating bologna and ketchup sandwiches just so you can experience the disgust I have for you.

So ask yourself this, future of America: do you want to ride the bandwagon, or do you want to drive it?  Bring back the tuna.