"FOX & Friends" is 1994's "The Today Show"

Jeff Zucker produced this show.

Lockheed Martin Prepares For The Next Enemy: FLOATING RECTANGLES

Lockheed Martin is usually virtual reality to test new products, and this actual photo from the Lockheed website proves our next enemy is... floating rectangles. It makes so much sense - how can a square always be a rectangle but a rectangle is not always a square? And even scarier, they hiding in front of us everyday. They will stop at nothing to convert our world into one giant three dimensional rectangle. See???



Godspeed, Lockheed Martin. I know you're our best hope, because you have same initials as our 1990s digital-space savior: Lawnmower Man.

Jerry the Great

I used to watch Seinfeld about 3 times a day minimum. I miss it.

Amazing Beat Boxing

Parents will finally understand.

Butter

No Strings Attached vs. Friends With Benefits: A Modern Day Dante's Peak/Volcano

Justin Timberlake's new movie "Friends With Benefits" doesn't have a poster yet. But it won't be the first time he's made "No Strings Attached."





We should not deny the deep impact of this cinematic armageddon.

Also from Heather K's analysis:

No Strings Attached: leading lady was sexy star of Black Swan, Natalie Portman
Friends with Benefits: leading lady was sexy star of Black Swan, Mila Kunis
No Strings Attached: token star from "The Office" = Mindy Kaling
Friends with Benefits: token star from "The Office" = Rashida Jones
No Strings Attached: features musician turned actor Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges
Friends with Benefits: features musician turned actor Justin 'Justin Timberlake' Timberlake
No Strings Attached: "I thought you were better than this" award to Kevin Kline
Friends with Benefits: "I thought you were better than this" award to Patricia Clarkson
No Strings Attached: cute young buzzy actress Olivia Thirlby
Friends with Benefits: cute young buzzy actress Emma Stone

Human Planet

Not the greatest title, but wow this looks awesome. Wish it had David Attenborough though.

The Nic Cage Hair

Who are these people, making these compilation Cage videos? Thanks, I guess. I feel a tinge of mockery in all of them, which I do not support. So instead, I will treat this more like a museum of Style.

The Nic Cage Song

I've listened to 3 seconds of this before posting, but I've got a feeling it would difficult for me to not like it.

Parks & Rec & Apologies

Apologies for doubting Parks & Rec. I really love this moment.

(A close runner-up is Andy Dwyer's Bert-Macklin-interrogation on Halloween)

The Voices

This is a hilarious performance of some kid's review of a flash video game, spelling errors and all.

And The Winner For This Year's Brendan Frasier Award Goes To...

Natalie Portman. Wow.

Speed Racer Influences: Andreas Gursky

Today I came across one of my favorite photographs, 99 Cent by Andreas Gursky.



It occurred to me how much this resembled the entire tone of Speed Racer, so I dug deeper into Gursky's portfolio. His Chicago Board of Trade photograph completely resembles the crowd shots during the first race.

From Speed Racer...

Here's another Gursky





Even his abstract work was paid homage in Speed Racer. His work "Bahrain"...





Also this neo-industrial photo is very similar...



...to the city-shot when the Racer family visit Royalton's factory.



And the transponder scene from Speed Racer...



...is clearly a hybrid of these two Gursky gems





Wow I just totally gave an art lesson.

I had this translated from some blog...

"His photographs, large format and rich in color and detail, often represent more human interchange linked to late-capitalist society, public spaces like airports, stations, clubs, stock exchanges, parliaments, factories, offices, hotels, supermarkets, or pools, as well as places where the human footprint is only anecdotal."

That Crazy Rap Music: It's Good To Be The King

This is actually way better than his Hitler Rap - I love the hook - but man, everyone wanted a piece of the rap game in the 80s. Still, not bad Mel Brooks!

We Need Mel Brooks

The Washington Times, a super conservative rag that was founded by Unification Church founder Sun Myung Moon (man, that guy sure did some finding), had an editorial today saying:

"[Criticism of Sarah Palin's use of the term "Blood Libel"] is simply the latest round of an ongoing pogrom against conservative thinkers."

This is like saying "criticizing use of the word 'fag' is part of an ongoing gaytarded agenda that's superfaggy." See, even trying to sound this offensive is difficult.

I'm with you, you poor victimized conservative thinkers! These liberals are planning an Inquisition Agenda. After all, when Obama broke the African American glass ceiling, wasn't that technically Krystallnacht?

Speech Night!

Barack Obama isn't the only one who made a great speech last night. How about Bill Murray at the NBR Awards?

"They told me I have two minutes. I'm going to pop this Red Hot [candy, pops in mouth] so I'll be finished in two minutes [mumbling with candy in mouth]. Why do you give this award? Why? Because you have to throw a party. Because you have to compete with the Golden Globes. [Cheers.] We all asked that question. You're able to get out tonight, celebrate — without your relatives — you earned, you deserve it.

But why do you give it to Sofia Coppola? Why? Because you want to encourage her, I think. I think that's the real reason. Look at her. Look at her! She comes from a family, mother and father both very successful, creating entertainments, amusements and thought-provoking work. She wrote a spec script for The Virgin Suicides. The ambition of these young people! Can you believe it? The ambition! She got the job as the director. She directed Lost in Translation in another country in another language, and got a prize for it. [Pause.] God, this is a hot, hot Red Hot. But I'm not going to quit on you people, because I've got another half in my pocket. [Pulls out of pocket and puts in mouth.] I got one-and-a-half in my mouth right now. [Mumbling.]

Then she decided to work in France to do Marie Antoinette, a woman who was beheaded. Not a sympathetic creature, you know what I mean? A lot of directors would pass on that. Who do you root for? You know? She did a beautiful, beautiful movie. And now she did this Somewhere, which takes place ... somewhere. I know — it's the West Coast, Southern California based.

So why do you give this person an award? You give them an award because they need to be encouraged. You look around this room and you can look around the world of film, and you can see people that had great success early in their career. Some earned it, some were lucky, some got it, but at a certain point they live life. They get into life, like Sofia has gotten into life. She's married. Now she's got a French lover, [Phoenix front man Thomas Mars]. She has two beautiful children by this French lover. And I, for one, am sick of these directors with the homely kids. I can't stand it anymore. She's got beautiful children, and she lives with a man who is the only Frenchman that could play rock and roll, ever. Fuck Johnny Hallyday! [Audience roaring, gasping.] Pardon my French.

So why do you encourage these people? Because now she's had this success, she's had this work, she has this life, she has this family, she has this thing going, and now is when people like you have chosen well to say, 'Let's give this person another boost, let's give this person another boost to say keep going, because now life will come to you hard, like it's come to everyone that's lived long enough. It comes hard and it gets in the way of your career; it stops your career, it stunts your life — not necessarily your life, but it definitely will make your career go left. You show me an actor doing a shit movie, I'll show you a guy with a bad divorce. [Audience laughs.] Right? Right? [Looking around the room.] You know who I'm talking about.

I want the best for her because she's a lady. She acts like a lady, the women in her movies are ladies, they have strength and power and they're strong. Even the pole dancers in this latest movie have enough of themselves to call the lead actor a moron. As all you women should call your men this evening, I think, pole or not. So we'll give her a boost to say, go on, you've made it this far, push her out into the deep water, push her out into bigger and deeper films, more and more films. She has a beautiful eye. She has great taste in the people she chooses to work with. She's a kind and thoughtful director and editor and producer. She's all the things that we hoped we could be when we were like this. She's been lucky so far, and she's been strong so far. Let's keep her going. I appreciate your asking her to receive this award for filmmaking achievement. Ms. Ms. Ms. Sofia Coppola."

Fuck Johnny Hallyday!

Because No One Should Be Deprived Of Something Great

Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" in sign language.

Robert Rizzo.

For those of you who don't know who Robert Rizzo is, he is a former city official from a very poor city, Bell, CA, who was stealing taxpayer's money and paying himself and other officials an absurd salary ($800,000/year for Rizzo).

He's probably going to jail (he's being charged on something like 50 counts of felonies) but for now he's soaking up rays working as a parking attendant, and this photographer caught this classic snapshot. It's not quite him ripping his pants while bending over to pick up a Twinkie he dropped, but still this backdrop is pretty classic. And that hat is just so cute!

(Don Bartletti / Los Angeles Times)

Would forcing Robert Rizzo to do cannonballs off a high dive -- constantly -- for the rest of his life at a community pool be considered "cruel and unusual?" Aww shucks.

NSFD'oh!

The Simpsons XXX Parody by Hustler. Evan Stone plays McBain and they even have Cookie "Stay of the West Side" Kwan. Honestly, I would sorta be okay with them parodying every episode up to, say, season 12.

Fine, I'd be more than okay with that.



Note: Unfortunately I couldn't find a good English version of McBain's "MENDOZA!!!!!!" moment. But search Youtube for "mendoza mcbain" if you want to watch a ton of different people video taping their televisions playing Spanish Simpsons.

J-E-L-L-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

I could stare at this for days.

Cadbury Commercials Are Sweet

Jonathan Glazer banned Cadbury's Flake advert promo from doug frobelski on Vimeo.

Remember the Phil Collins Cadbury commercial? These guys know how to make a commercial. Oh wait it's banned? Fuck that.

The Happening 2

No, there will never be a sequel to M. Night's most honest movie. But after watching it for my second time last night, it's definitely got the goods to deliver a sequel TCRM post.

I say this without any irony or sarcasm: The Happening is about the dumbest people in the world evading Rapture/terrorist attack/M Night's imagination (not sure which is most evil-spirited).

Let's take the movie premise seriously for a second. There's an airborn toxin causing people to kill themselves. What would you do?

1) Panic.
2) Cover my mouth/nose.
3) Think quickly.

No one in this movie does any of these things. On a train escaping Philadelphia, people sit and chat casually. No one (no one!!) even ties a bandana around his or her face. I'm not saying Mark Wahlberg should have jumped into a hazmat suit that he magically stumbles upon (like he does with a radio in the middle of a field -- and to be fair he is a fucking high school science teacher, he should have some equipment), but c'mon, try breathing less!

Can science really explain what happens when you smoke Crystal Meth?

Then there's thinking quickly. EVERYONE THERE'S POISON GAS COMING OUR WAY! Your wife and the child you are caring for are ready to follow your lead. What do you do?

"I need a second okay? Just give me a second!....Just a second! I need a second okay? Why can't anybody give me a goddamn second? All right, be scientific, douchebag. Identify the... rules... design the experiment... careful observation, measurements, that's what I'm trying to do, interpret the experimental pattern, interpret... What if it IS the plants? That group was larger than ours. This thing's been escalating all day. Smaller and smaller populations have been setting this off. They react to human stimulus. Maybe people are setting off the plants?"

This is like standing underneath the Twin Towers as the second plane hit and pondering out loud.

"Okay, so a plane hit the tower. Now another plane hit the other tower. What if other planes are going to hit other towers? Okay, design the experiment. Careful observation, measurements. What if the buildings are asking to get hit by planes? Maybe the buildings are reacting to being buildings? Maybe planes are flying into buildings?"

If your wife and child are killed because you made them listen to you think out loud, can you be charged with being criminally stupid?

Way more to say on this, but I'll leave it at that.

Mashmaker Mashmaker Make Me A Mashup

Fiddler on the Roof meets You Got Served.