Fuck Greg Oden

Some of you may know that I was considering moving to Portland, Oregon earlier this year. The plan was to move there, become a huge Blazers fan, and hope that the overhyped Pacific Northwest division rivalry of Durant vs. Oden would actually become the next great story in the NBA.

Well, I guess that wasn't enough to actually convince me to move, but rather blame than instincts and call myself a "wuss" (cue echos "uss uss uss uss"), I'm so glad I didn't move.

Reason #1) The Seattle Supersonics are probably going to move to Oklahoma City (I honestly don't know if that's in Oklahoma or Kansas... I'm going to assume its in Oklahoma).

Reason #2) Gred Oden's rookie season ended before it even started with a leg injury. Oh yeah, one of his legs is longer than the others, and deformities like that will probably fuck you up in a sport that sorta requires healthy legs.

but most importantly, Reason #3) Dwight Howard.

(Part 1)

Why the FUCK would anyone care about Greg Oden when Dwight Howard is not even 22 yet. Have you seen this guy? Not his picture on his NBA.com stat page - I'm talking about seeing this guy's body in action... each of his shoulders is the size of an office chair. He even had an incredible move at the Slam Dunk competition.

(There will always be dunks.)

(Part 2)

But let's forget who has a better NBA center's body for a moment, let's just examine these two players mentally. You've got Dwight Howard, who has never missed an NBA game (he was the last highschool-to-NBA player), who says this...

"I want to be one of the greatest players to play basketball."

And meanwhile, the overhyped, #1 pick in this year's draft Greg Oden, who says this...

"I like dentistry," Oden said at the Final Four. "I just went to the dentist. It was nice" and then "I wanted to be a dentist back in the day."

(Part 3)

At this point I have to pay respect to The Onion...

Greg Oden On Final Four Appearance: 'I'm Happier Than I've Been In 30 Years'

(Conclusion)

I'm sorry, I don't care if this is his quirky sense of humor, which I know he has. Let assholes like me make jokes about wanting to be a dentist. I'm an asshole. You are a basketball player. Win a championship and you can pretend you are Shaq. Or just go to dentist school and become an asshole. But let me warn you this... no one wants to go to a 7 foot dentist who ages faster than Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade.