Waite-ing to Get Boned

In today's frontpage of The New York Times, an article about the future of abstinence education focuses somewhat on the "public face" of a group called Virginity Rules, a now high school graduate named Jami Waite. First off, I must identify the silliness of her un-pornstar name. Thank goodness she wasn't the child of Reverend Timothy Bones. And while the "e" should really be at the end of the Jami (seriously how many different ways does one need to spell the same name), we'll excuse her because she's just so goddamn cute.

In fact, she's so cute, she sort of reminds me of a young Tara Reid.

Funny enough, Tara Reid wanted to waite in the movie American Pie, and after she caved in to carnal temptation, she broke up Thomas Ian Nicholas, who was star of Rookie of the Year. Don't worry I'm not going to get to Kevin Bacon. But after they have sex, they break up not wanting to carry on a long distance relationship. Anyway, it really hurts the T.I.N.-man's feelings in American Pie 2, and this is probably one of the reasons they shouldn't have had sex.

Tara was also a nymphomaniac in Big Lebowski and had her first onscreen orgasm as a high school senior in American Pie. Maybe Waite is the public face for this very reason? Provide hope for all the Tara Reids? "I'll promise to wait until marriage to suck your dick for a thousand dollars." Maybe sex before marriage means you'll be engaging in it compulsively and without joy. Kinda sounds like Tara's purpose in Hollywood, no?

I think the message of having a Tara Reid-lookalike as the face of the Abstinence movement is about all these things. Look at the career of Tara Reid and read it as the consequences of premarital sex. And I kinda see the point: having sex too soon in movies can be disastrous for your career. See the parallels? I'm renting Havoc tonight.

If you want to learn more, the hotline (is it a hotline if its about abstinence?) for Virginity Rules 2.0 is 866-WAIT-NOW. I can't waite.



Also, this is my favorite part of the article....

“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”

To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.”

I think I get what he's saying... don't tape a broken condom back together.

Tara Reid... A Reason to Wait

So young and full of potential. But look what happens when you don't abstain....

Hardly an angel.

Don't think of it as a wardrobe malfunction. Think of it as a sign.

No you're the greatest, Tara. The greatest sinner I know.

The boob job botchery... another malfunction?

Lucky for you, Tara, God forgives...
Enjoy your second chance.