BEHIND THE ORIGINAL FIST BUMPIN' INTRO!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
U.S. President Mortal Kombat Fatalities
The other day, Alex, Jim and I were discussing how the greatest game of all time would be a version of Mortal Kombat where you can play as U.S. Presidents
Here are a few of the Fatalities I think they would have.
NOTE: If you have suggestions/improvements, please leave comments!
George Washington
Mr. Washington chops your legs off with an ax, Betsy Ross runs in and uses your blood as dye for the American flag.
Thomas Jefferson
Mr. Jefferson pulls out a piece of paper, scratches his chin, quickly writes the Declaration of Independence, and throws the pen through your head.
Andrew Jackson
Mr. Jackson points westward and forces you to keep walking. You pass out from exhaustion.
William Henry Harrison
Mr. Harrison starts shivering, pulls out a syringe and draws his own blood. Then, he injects you, and you shiver and die.
Abraham Lincoln
Mr. Lincoln declares "a person divided cannot stand" then cuts you in half.
Grover Cleveland
Mr. Cleveland kicks your head off, then 2nd-term Grover Cleveland comes in and smashes it.
Theodore Roosevelt
Mr. Roosevelt walks toward you very quietly, then pulls out a big stick, which he then beats you with.
William Howard Taft
Mr. Taft jumps on you. You splatter from his outrageous weight.
Woodrow Wilson
Mr. Wilson whistles and the League of Nations arrives. You are destroyed by an orgy of international warfare.
Herbert Hoover
Mr. Hoover takes a seat, while a man delivers you a note. You walk to the top of a building and jump.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Mr. Roosevelt pulls the wheels off his wheelchair and throws them at you, first wheel chopping your legs off followed by the second chopping your head off.
Harry Truman
Mr. Truman pulls out a red button, presses it, and a hydrogen bomb drops on you.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Mr. Eisenhower signs a bill, a steamroller drives over you, a highway sign is erected with your name on it.
John F. Kennedy
Mr. Kennedy bends down to pick up his handkerchief, a bullet misses him and hits you in the head.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Mr. Johnson makes a call, you get hit with napalm.
Richard Nixon
Mr. Nixon whistles, his dog Checkers comes running, jumps on you, and eats your eyeballs. Nixon waves peace signs and declares "I'm not a killer."
Gerald Ford
Mr. Ford pardons you, bringing you back to life, then trips on you and pushes you into a spike.
Jimmy Carter
Mr. Carter explains that violence is a terrible thing, you die from boredom.
Ronald Reagan
Mr. Reagan attaches more and more missiles to his body until he looks like Robocop, you collapse and die.
Bill Clinton
Mr. Clinton pushes you down onto your knees and stabs you through your head with his penis.
George W. Bush
Mr. Bush stands there, frozen, when Dick Cheney sneaks up from behind and shoots you in the face.
Barack ObamaMr. Obama opens his mouth, sings an angelic note, and the ghosts of Lenin, Marx, and Stalin rip your body apart.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
That's Why I Chose Yale [Songsmith, The Musical!]
Microsoft Songsmith, you can die now. There is... another.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Howard Stern fired from WNBC
obviously different for many reasons, but what it feels like to get thrown under the bus
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Jay Leno visits Late Night with David Letterman, 1984 - Part One
wow... this will make you hate Jay all over, THEN hate him even more for becoming MORE watered down... fuck! I hate him so much!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Introducing "Beauty and the Beats"
Picking a DJ name is hard... it's like picking glasses only cheaper and MORE permanent.
I'm happy to introduce my DJ name that I feel pretty good about sticking with for years to come.
Enjoy my all original intro track:
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Dana Carvey's Creative Partner
Dana Carvey's creative partner for an upcoming series is Spike Ferensten. So yes, the older lesbian pictured above is working with Rachel Maddow, below.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Scarecrow Butcherers: Episode 2
See Matt Weir's live sitcom "Scarecrow Butcherer's" in NYC
"Sea Stoppers Pt. 1",
Sunday, Jan 10, 8pm @ the Magnet Theater... only performance!
GO!!!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Jersey Shore: America
Recently, the New York Times had a piece about 5 reasons to like the Jersey Shore. First I was relieved to know that someone else could do the academia for me, but even that brief moment was interrupted by the nagging thought "why the fuck is the New York Times writing about the Jersey Shore?"
Even worse, the article SUCKED. Reasons included "the Jersey Shore hasn't been this interesting in years" and "maybe the Jersey Shore will finally kill off the Kardashians." These are not reasons to like the Jersey Shore, and I'm saddened that in Neil Glenzlinger's attempt to find goodness he didn't have the patience or intelligence to dig deeper into the actual material. Judging by the piece, I don't think he's even seen the show.
Well, I've seen the show. I've seen every episode. And I think there is plenty to like in this show and plenty to get intellectual about. So if you want to get something done, sometimes you gotta do it yourself.
One Reason To Love The Jersey Shore...
America.
The Jersey Shore is the story of the American experience as it transitioned from the 90s into the post 9/11 America. (If you need proof that this show is still about the 90s, look no further than the t-shirts on sale.)
The gang that assembles in the first episode are, yes, a very narcissistic group of people. They spend hours on how they look, get upset when they aren't the center of attention, and give themselves names as if they are celebrities being written about in tabloids that don't exist (as far as I know, this is a very advanced subculture).
The first few episodes deal with pretty mundane experiences they have as a group. Partying, dealing with responsibility, relationships forming - they become fat on their own sense of power, importance, and isolation. And why not? What is to stop this life of partying and excess? They are seemingly swiping the credit card of life and not worrying about the debt, whether that means (probably unprotected) sex with strangers, taking a few grenades, juicing up willy nilly, or getting a few too many rays.
Like America in the 90s, they were having the time of their lives. Then, as the 4th episode is aptly titled, it all fades to black.
Snooki, in a clip that I'm sure you've seen by now is punched in the face by a "grown-ass" man in what seems like a random attack. Brad Ferro, the puncher, is our metaphosama bin-Laden. What intent did he have in punching the runt of the group, one person to him, sure, but to us symbolic of the entire Jersey Shore 7? Who knows, maybe he was jealous and he wanted to be on TV (likely, and the same goes for Osama).
But the following episode deals with the post traumatic stress that we all felt after 9/11, or America's Snooki-punch. Consider Ronnie, the largest of the group and "hottest" according to his squeeze, Sammi "Sweetheart," who we'll get to later. Ronnie is a nice young man who is probably the most muscular person we've seen on the shore so far. His farcical pecs, intimidating to many, couldn't even protect the weakest of his crew. Ahh, the limits of hegemonic power.
As soon as the first punch is thrown against Snooki, Ronnie and others push towards Brad. Ronnie grunts louder and louder without getting in a decent blow but Brad makes his escape outside, seemingly unscathed, only into the shackles of a boardwalk police officer. Just as George Bush, flexing the muscles of American military might, could not find Osama as he made his escape to the mountains of the Pakistan/Afghanistan boarder, Ronnie was unable to deliver retributive justice.
Ronnie and the men continue walking down the boardwalk later that night intending to find answers. As Vinnie says, they are looking for a place to unleash their anger. During this time, Ronnie gets upset that The Situation is creeping on some girl to come home with him, even if his efforts are futile. The men don't find a release that night and are forced to retire for the evening.
This anger, however, doesn't go away. At least, not for Ronnie (who for the sake of this essay can always be replaced with "George W. Bush"). He continues to go over exactly what happened during the barfight with Sammi. They continue to rewind to exactly understand what happened, or at least what happened in their mind. The Situation... where was he? Was he buying Brad Ferro shots? Was it all his fault?
Ronnie becomes angrier than ever and decides that since he can't punch Brad Ferro's face in, he'll blame The Situation. There is something so relieving about finding someone to blame and turning randomness into order (see "creationism"). The Situation doesn't care about family, about country!, about anything except himself and getting laid. Yeah, it's all his fault, that lousy motherfucker.
Ronnie turns to Sammi for advice, who appoints herself as the voice of neutral, but righteous good. Let's call her the "Religious Right" (also the "sweetest bitch you've ever met"). Ronnie needs consolation for the actions he's about to take, by dividing the group and turning friends into enemies. She tells Ronnie "[The Situation] is not a good friend.... are you are a good [fucking] friend."
* * * * * *
This is what happened in our country. We could not find justice and took to blaming each other for any lapse in national security and now we laugh when a bunch of gelled up gui-tards (look if they can say it, so can I) do the same thing?
What happens later is simply amazing. Ronnie, the self-appointed leader of the group (because he's the largest and most sexually conservative - family values, people!) decides to use physical coercion to get Snooki to ditch a guy she's talking to by suplexing her into the waters of F-Cove, and this is literally a day after he calls her "family" and declares that their relationship has changed forever. Well, forever is apparently a day to these people - which makes sense considering Ronnie's torrid love affair with Sammi, who also has an uncanny resemblance to his mother.
That last paragraph is a doozy, but that's what makes this show so strong. Like it's cast, it's fucking dense (nyuk).
* * * * * * *
I need to wrap this up, because I'm spending way too much time on the Jersey Shore, but I just wanted to leave you with some last quickies.
Ronnie is the worst of the bunch. He's definitely got a borderline-personality disorder, as evident by his freaking out when Sammi was talking with some other guy. He is controlling, has an Oedipal complex that's as much on steroids as he is, and he is delusional about his sense of leadership.
Sammi Sweetheart is the sweetest bitch I've [n]ever met. She is Lady Macbeth with a smile, and as delusional about her place in the world as Ronnie.
Snooki is America's sweetheart. I once that she was a gross goblin, but now I'm convinced she's the best America has to offer. She's kind, fun, but a victim of strange world (aren't we all?) She
also reminds me a lot of Wilbur in Charlotte's web... from wikipedia "Wilbur is a rambunctious pig, the runt of his litter, who loves life, even that of Zuckerman’s barn. He sometimes feels lonely or fearful."
Vinnie is a really nice person who is by far the closest link to the outside world, you know, the one we live in.
Pauly D is also a genuinely good person. He's a bit alien to us, but he's just a shy dude who is an amazing DJ (I don't know if that's true, but he certainly looked like it).
The Situation is, sure, a bit of a scum bag, but he does have a code and values. He divides women into whores and ladies, and you know what, good for him. I'm sure he's hardly a heartbreaker.
JWOWW.... well, I'm going to write another post one day about JWOWW.
Til then, get smooshed!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Man vs. Wild - Pacific Island - Bear's Enema
Thanks Jim? At least Bear Grylls is not giving a bear an enema.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Gallagher Smashes Open Miker's Self Esteem
oy gevult. this is pretty damn uncomfortable. plus, I thought Gallagher was dead.
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