Best Picture nominations were announced today, and maybe it's the just the superfast news cycle, but I'm already bored by them. Here is why Nicolas Cage tops everything.
“Avatar”
Loved Avatar, but a guy whose mind goes into a blue cat alien isn't that complicated. How about in Leaving Las Vegas, when Nicolas Cage was suffering mindcrushing alcohol addiction, the only way he can experience love is when Elisabeth Shue becomes an avatar for a whiskey glass, so Cage can drink off of her. What's sadder? A guy with paralyzed legs, or a guy with a paralyzed mind? Winner: Cage.
“The Blind Side”
I really shouldn't even have to waste my time with this one, but consider in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, when Forest Whitaker runs on the football field with non-diagetic lion sounds coming from him. That was a pretty racist football moment, though maybe would lose to The Blind Side in the racist superbowl (I mean, hopefully). Well, Nic Cage makes an appearance, about as long as FW's, and is a much better movie (even though I haven't seen this one). Winner: Cage.
“District 9″
I know everyone loved this movie, but nothing really resonated with me. People would say things like "don't you get it!!?! it's a metaphor!!!!" Anyway, the main guy turns into a prawn. Well, in Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage becomes a Ghost Rider. And Sam Elliott rides a horse. Winner: Cage.
“An Education”
This movie was so lovely! The colours were radiante! Actually, I never saw it, but I did once see the trailer for Bad Education. And that's about drugs. And Bad Lieutenant is about Nicolas Cage's descent into pill popping madness while trying to solve a murder. And it's just better. Winner: Cage.
“The Hurt Locker”
This movie was pretty damn awesome, but I know another movie about a special tactical force that also runs toward dangerous situations. And that unit is called G-FORCE. Sure it's made of guinea pigs, but you know what? If the army could train guinea pigs to defuse bombs, they would. Winner: Cage.
“Inglourious Basterds”
I loved this one, too. I love historical fiction, but if we're making shit up for the sake of the story, National Treasure gets it DONE. Winner: Cage.
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Never going to see this movie. Just absolutely don't care. Another movie with a terrible title name that I'm probably never going to see is Captain Correlli's Mandolin. And that shit has alliteration. Winner: Cage.
“A Serious Man”
Ooo, I didn't realize this one was even nominated. It deserved it. But when Nicolas Cage complained to Cher about his wooden hand in Moonstruck, he was pretty damn serious too. Winner: Cage.
“Up”
Up is an animated feature. It's tough for Nicolas Cage to compete with that. OR IS IT? Nicolas Cage has to play John Travolta inhabiting his body in Face/Off (actually this one works for Avatar too) while infiltrating Castor Troy's evil lair. "It's like looking in a mirror. Only... not." What does this have to do with "Up?" Winner: Cage.
“Up in the Air"
Con-Air. Winner: Cage.
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