Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 1]

Best Albums of 2009

5. Girls - Album

When I first heard the Hellhole Ratrace 7", I was convinced Elvis Costello started some new project with a lot of feedback. It wasn't, but the story of the main singer is amazing. Look it up, and definitely give the album a listen.

4. Mastodon - Crack the Skye

Can someone just turn this album into a movie? I dont' remember what the album is about entirely, but it involves Rasputin. Do you really need more than that?

3. Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

David Byrne once said the Dirty Projectors "Their music has familiar elements, yet often sounds like pop music by someone who has read about the form, but never heard it, and then handed the essential building blocks to make some songs" and I'm not going to pretend to say anything better.

2. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion/Fall Be Kind EP

I do think My Girls is sorta overrated. I love the song, but it already feels very tired to me. That said, when the bass starts booming on In The Flowers, I get very excited.

Chuck Klosterman wrote an essay in his recent book, something about "Reading about Animal Collective on the internet has replaced being alive." I have no idea what that means, but I feel like I agree with it.

1. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

Frankly, I'm stunned by how much I love this album. Maybe it's the recording? It sounds amazing. The songs are incredibly simple and structurally many feel identical. Well, get over it. The Phil Spector wall-of-sound production has never sounded better, in my opinion. Though it's my number 1, I'm also gonna call this one the most underrated of the year.

Best Song of 2009

Camera Obscura - Swans

This song has a really corny hook. It's so corny at first, I'm hesitant to even share it with people, or else they might think I only like children's music. It's REALLY corny. But then something happens. Tracyanne Campbell has a way of singing that the words all sound like clouds, where you don't know when a word ends, it just sorta bleeds into another word. Every word is so gentle, it makes words with consonants stick out.

And that's sorta what gets me. It's those consonants, and that electric guitar that is being plucked to shit, against the smoothness that creates this massive amount of energy. It's almost nuclear.

My favorite songwriter, as most of you know, is Stephen Malkmus. His lyrics are puzzles that don't mean anything but definitely get some sort of point across - he can write a love song without using a woman's name, the name of a flower, the word "love" or any other godawful cliche. His lyrics are natural to the music though and never feel too calculated. A staccato song has doesn't have words sung staccatoly, it has staccato words, if that makes sense. Though this song doesn't have the fun or the wit that Malkmus has, the lyrics are so natural to the song you can't peel the words and music apart, even if that abrasive electric guitar tries.

And by the end, you love how corny that hook is.

Best Movies of 2009

3. Knowing

I know you probably think I'm kidding, or I'm an idiot, but this was a great B movie with some hilarious moments. It's a thousand times better than 2012, which makes this movie 2,012,000.

2. Bad Lieutenant

Oh, I get it, Josh only likes Nicolas Cage movies. Well, this was such a fun performance to watch with a ton of memorable scenes. The pharmacy? Doing crack outside the Gator Lounge ("did he mooooooLEST you?")? Shaving? God, what fun!

1. Drag Me To Hell

I almost never want to see this movie again, because I can't emphasize how insane this one made me. I saw it with three friends, and we could not sit in our seats. I clutched the seat in front of me like it was a floating device after a plane crash. Never before have I feared that my heart might explode from laughing/being scared.

Best Onion Piece of 2009

I can't remember all the amazing pieces I read in the Onion this year, but this video stands out to me.


Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman

It just felt so disturbingly real and nailed the creepiness of the morning news. Chi-chi-ni!

Best Well Made YouTube Sketch of 2009

The Sex Offender Shuffle

I just saw this last night, but I'm pretty sure it's the best sketch I've seen all year. I also loved The Mountain, a Channel 101 winner.

Most Popular Thing I Still Have No Interest In Learning More About in 2009

Karen O

I loved the song Maps. Great song. But I have no goddamn interest in listening to anything the Yeah Yeah Yeahs does (do?). Why? I have no idea. I heard they had a new album, and it's supposed to be great. Still, I don't care. Someone convince me.

Most Regretful Moment of 2009

Going With The Flow and, For a Brief Moment, Liking Lady Gaga

I feel like if you say you don't like Lady Gaga, people will accuse you of being a homophobe. What's wrong with you? You obviously don't get it, she's being GLAM, you know, like David Bowie. Oh so only men can be glam? YOU PROBABLY THINK SAME SEX COUPLES SHOULDN'T MARRY. Why do you hate gay people???

Yikes. Well, I don't like Lady Gaga, and I don't care that she can play the piano. When did "can play an instrument" become a badge of authenticity for a musician?

I fear we've created a monster here. Are synths over yet?

Worst Thing Of The Decade

The Black Eyed Peas

First of all, please see the Cracked Hate By Numbers piece "Black Eyed Peas Have Officially Written the Worst Song Ever"

Let's start by splitting them up. Since I only know two of them, let's start with Fergie.

Fergie:

I want to use the phrase "throw pink paint onto vomit" but I don't know if that's a better description of her music or her meth-warped face. Maybe she is a sex symbol, but not yet. No, when robots have replaced people and global warming has melted their faces, THEN I can see it. She also makes me think Josh Duhamel might be gay. I mean, why, WHY!?, would anyone want to marry that.

Oh, and Glamorous is the most cringe-inducing song I've heard all decade by far. I hate it so much, but then again....

Will.I.Am:

God, seriously! That name! Look man, even Puff Daddy changed his name to Diddy - and you of all people should believe in the power of Change. I, for one, thought the Yes, We Can song was one of the most obnoxious parts of the 2008 campaign, but I shut my mouth since it probably got a bunch of Black Eyed Peas fans to vote. Will.I.Am in 2012!

I am not going to give a history lesson here - I don't really know much - I know he wanted to sample Daft Punk after Kanye did but Daft Punk realized that Will.I.Am SUCKS so they rejected it. But that didn't stop Will.I.Am from making a video without permission

Fucking Christ! He is stealing everything in this video!

As A Group

That Hate By Numbers clip really says it all, but the name of their last album, "The E•N•D (The Energy Never Dies)" is one of the most obnoxious album names ever. It's like when the Emperor pretends he's dying in Revenge of the Sith and then out of nowhere shoots energy out of his hands. Stop tricking us by saying you're quitting (or maybe it's just so in vogue to be quitting/not-quitting) and just fucking END already.