Best of 2010: Movies

There were good movies this year, there's no doubt. But let's just recap the biggest releases of the year (over 2,000 screens) to really relive the stink.

January

The Book of Eli

Extraordinary Measures

Edge of Darkness

Denzel, Harrison, and Mel are pushed to the edge. Will never see these, but I could conceivably do an Extraordinary Measures drinking game.

February

Valentine's Day

Shutter Island

Cop Out

A trio of autuers -- Garry Marshall, Scorsese, and Kevin Smith -- make the movie of their careers! I don't think I'll ever see Shutter Island, even though I'm not opposed to it.

March

Alice in Wonderland

Brooklyn's Finest

Green Zone

The Bounty Hunter

Hot Tub Time Machine

How to Train Your Dragon

Green Zone was a letdown, even though it was not bad. The Bounty Hunter looks like it was made by a focus group consisting of everything I hate, all in one (brooding) package. Which brings us to TWEET OF THE YEAR:

Alice in Wonderland, however, was one of the worst things I've ever seen. I saw it on DVD, and I couldn't get through 10 minutes of it. Tim Burton, you're on notice.

April

Clash of the Titans

Date Night

Death at a Funeral

Kick-Ass

The Back-Up Plan

The Losers

Nightmare on Elm Street

Furry Vengeance

Might be winner for worst month of movies. Clash of the Titans was so bad, Sam Worthington had to apologize. Date Night looks offensively bland. Kick-Ass was pretty good, and Cage's best movie of the year. Maybe my Extraordinary Measures drinking game will just be an extended Fraser fest with Furry Vengeance.

May

Iron Man 2

Just Wright

Letters to Juliet

Robin Hood

MacGruber

Shrek Forever After

Sex and the City 2

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

The beginning of the summer season! Remember Robin Hood? Or that brief moment when you thought "Woah, is Jake Gyllenhaal gonna be an action star now?" Real disappointment here - I liked Iron Man 2 though.

June

Get Him to the Greek

Killers

Marmaduke

Splice

The A-Team

The Karate Kid

Jonah Hex

Toy Story 3

Knight and Day

Grown Ups

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

How is it that Toy Story 3 was the only movie for adults this summer? What a shitty shitty month.

July

The Last Airbender

Despicable Me

Predators

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Inception

Ramona and Beezus

Salt

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Charlie St. Cloud

Dinner for Schmucks

Nothing like an M. Night Shayamalan movie to set the tone for the rest of the month. And Cage has a rare miss (kidding!) Just shit shit shit. Inception was dope the first time, notsomuch the second.

August

Step Up 3D

The Other Guys

Eat Pray Love

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

The Expendables

Vampires Suck

Nanny McPhee Returns

Piranha 3D

The Switch

Takers

The Last Exorcism

Wow... I only saw one movie from this month... and it was EAT PRAY LOVE two weeks ago, from a Redbox (which had nothing else to rent). Zoe and I couldn't get past the first 10 minutes. Unbearable.

September

The American

Going the Distance

Machete

Resident Evil: 3D

Alpha and Omega

Devil

Easy A

The Town

Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

You Again

The Town was pretty good... the action scenes were well done, but the Rebecca Hall scenes hilariously stupid. It was almost like a comedy sketch, where the love interest only speaks in vignettes that get more depressing. Her story arc: she gets held at gunpoint during a bank robbery, she watches her coworker get shot, she is kidnapped, her kidnappers release her in the middle of nowhere, she is duped by her kidnapper, she complains to him that other people stole her car, she tells Ben Affleck that sunny days depress her, because they make her think of her dead brother. They should've called this movie The Bank Job (as in Bible Job).

October

Case 39

Let Me In

The Social Network

Life As We Know It

My Soul to Take

Secretariat

Jackass 3D

Red

Paranormal Activity 2

Saw 3D

I'd like to see Let Me In, even though I can tell it's already overhyped. The Social Network was excellent, and will likely win Best Picture.

November

Due Date

For Colored Girls

Megamind

Morning Glory

Skyline

Unstoppable

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

The Next Three Days

Burlesque

Faster

Love and Other Drugs

Harry Potter was a joke. I enjoyed watching it, but nothing happens. Unstoppable was a great dumb thriller.

December

Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The Tourist

How Do You Know

Tron: Legacy

Yogi Bear

Little Fockers

True Grit

Gulliver's Travels

Gulliver's Travels is a perfect closer for the year: a little-people-kick-Jack-Black-in-the-nuts CGI comedy.

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Best movie of 2010: 127 Hours

Last year James Cameron transported us to a world of unlimited wonder. Floating mountains? Yeah we got that. Danny Boyle pretty much did the opposite: he trapped us in a cave with James Franco with a half-empty water bottle, some rope, and a dull knife. Many people found the amputation scene difficult to watch; I found it exhilarating. Ripping yourself from your own flesh is only possible when you've reached contemplative bliss, and that's what this movie achieves.

Also, should we never get an Arrested Development movie, we will always have 127 Hours to stand in for the J. Walter Weatherman biopic:

"That's why you always leave a note"

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Best Sketch of the Year: Trailer for Every Oscar-Winning Movie Ever

Funny or Die? CollegeHumor? Please. Cracked served up the best sketch - not a wasted moment here. Nothing came close to "Catch Phrase!"

I just saw Robot Chicken's Star Wars: Episode III which has an excellent sketch about Luke bumping into the Wampa he cut up on the Hoth system at a Space Gas Station. It's tragic.

Best YouTube Clip of the Year: Yoel Brach Productions plays L.G. fanfare (Shaya and Perry's wedding intro)

The Pope clip I recently posted is fantastic, but I gotta give some love to my Jews. From the opening explosion to the final panning shot of an Orthodox wedding, this video is unbelievably absurd. I particularly love that the backup singer clearly doesn't know the words -- he just knows if you sing 3 whole notes higher, you can get some chot harmonies (for those of you who don't speak Yiddish, that means "hot harmonies"). Also, phenomenal YouTube title. I hope to see more Yoel Brach Productions in 2011.