A Conversation With Two Starbucks Employees

Today I had to pick up a pound of coffee beans at Starbucks.

Josh: Hi.
Starbucks Man: [inaudible]

He's doing something, so I wait.

SBM: [inaudible]
J: I can't hear you.
SBM: She'll help you.
Starbucks Woman: Can I help you?
J: Yes, I need a pound of coffee, grinded.
SBW: You should try our Christmas blend.
J: Thanks, but I don't want to try a pound of Christmas coffee. Can I just get the basic kind?
SBW: Oh, you want the pike* blend?
J: Is that the least expensive one?
SBW: I don't know.

I wait for her to, y'know, figure it out. She doesn't.

J: Well, I don't know either. Can you check for me?

She takes me to the wall of beans.

SBW: I can't tell.
J: Well, what do you want me to do? Is it more expensive than the French Roast blend?
SBW: Oh, wait yeah.
J: Okay, then I'll take the French Roast blend.
SBW: But that's more expensive. See?

My god.

J: Just give me the least expensive one.
SBW: The pike blend.
J: Sure.

She rings me up.

J: I need to get those grinded.
SBW: Oh, he'll do that for you.

Get ready folks.

SBM: What kind of filter do you use?
J: Umm, not the paper kind. You know, the plastic, sorta mesh one, it's hard?
SBM: The metal kind?
J: I don't know, is that metal?
SBM: There are a lot of different kinds of filters.
J: Okay, so just give me the metal filter kind.

He gives me a look that says "Are you fucking retarded?" Really one of the stinkiest looks I've ever gotten.

SBM: Fine.

I'm amusingly stunned, but not angry.

J: I don't know why you are treating me like this.
SBM: What?
J: You are making me feel like an idiot, and I just don't know why.
SBM: You're kidding right?

I must emphasize, I'm just shocked right here, and not at all aggressive.

J: No, I'm not kidding. You are making me feel like an idiot and I don't know why.
SBM: Well, I don't want you coming back here all upset because your beans are ground for the wrong kind of filter and want to return them.
J: Just give me the beans, no one is going to return any beans.

He shoves the bag of beans in my hand and I leave.

* * * * * * * * * *

Friends, all I wanted was the cheapest bag of beans, grinded. I do not think this makes me a difficult customer, or an asshole, OR an idiot. This wasn't about me not wanting to call a medium a grandé or some other bourgeoise bullshit.

For those of you who work on the other side of the cash register, please let me know what I did wrong.

*Pike beans - I have no idea what they were called, this is what it sounded like, nor do I care, because I hate Starbucks.