I CHANGE MY MIND... LAST PICTURE OF THE DECADE

from my favorite blog of 2010, NicCageAsEveryone

If I Must End The Decade With One Image

See Speed Racer in blu ray already. Happy new decade!

Best List of the Decade is Northwestern Film Professor Jeff Sconce's Best Movies of the Decade

from my favorite blog this year, Ludic Despair.

Best Movies of the Decade (in no particular order, except for Idiocracy, which should be precisely at #4))

1. Grizzly Man (2005): A crazy guy loves bears so much that he lets one of them eat him. Amazing.

2. Freddie Got Fingered (2001): Maybe the single greatest Oedipal narrative ever committed to film. The hatred between Tom Green and Rip Torn builds slowly and convincingly, eventually blurring all diegetic and pro-filmic distinctions. Plus it's like watching the C.E.O. of 20th Century Fox setting $10 million dollars on fire.

3. Mulholland Drive (2001): Why isn’t every movie like this?

4. Speed Racer (2008): Everything The Matrix wanted to say about our future, but much more subtle and diabolical in its execution. The Wachowskis claimed The Matrix was inspired, in part, by Baudrillard--but this is the far better example of a hyperreal cinema. A true masterwork of uncompromising superficiality.

5. 2 Girls, 1 Cup (????): The entertainment of the future will be about finding and/or simulating highly charged episodes of stunning actuality. This is a good start.

6. Idiocracy (2006): Should have made $100 million, but I guess that would have undermined its own purpose. Would thrive as a TV series.

The Biggest Regret of the Decade

That this doesn't exist yet.

I Lost My Book on Christmas, Which Got Me Thinking...

who else goes around carrying a bag filled with goods?



I WANT MY BOOK BACK!

Jersey Shore on Funny Or Die

The REAL Situation (Feat. MTV Jersey Shore's The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D) - watch more funny videos

This is the first Funny or Die video I've actually enjoyed. FIRST.

this scene in Avatar was actually really boring

plus the Colonel sounds an awful lot like General Stonewall motivating the first brigade

Hemotions Gonna Blaaaaah!!!

This Post Was My Idea

Have you all seen this advertisement campaign? It's been going on since probably October.

Can anyone explain the idea behind this ad campaign to me?

My best guess is...

"Oh hello. I just finished getting dressed in my still-wet shower. But yes, Windows 7 was my idea. So if it ever fucks up big time you can just blame me. Just mail a letter to "Anonymous PC Person Near Lime Green Wet Wall" and I'll get back in touch with you ASAP. Oh, and if you meet someone else who claims Windows 7 was his or her idea, that person is right, so any complaints should be directed to that unnamed person. Good luck with Windows 7 though!"

Flaming Lips - Watching the Planets Video

Watching The Planets
by paulqaz

Very cool, and very NSFW.

Down the Rogerebert Hole - KNOWING

I never saw his second piece on the (negative) reaction people had to Knowing. It's all really good, but I'll cut to this part, since it's really a defense of Nicolas Cage.

Believe me, I know the plot is preposterous. That's part of the charm. You go to an end-of-the-world thriller starring Nicolas Cage looking scared to death, and you're in for a dime, in for a dollar. I love to dissect improbabilities in movies, but with "Knowing" I simply didn't care. I was carried by the energy. The premise,about that little girl in 1959 sealing up her letter, is preposterous. Every ad starts with that. What were you expecting, the Scientific American?

I wrote a blog discussing the movie [link below]. Right now it has nearly 250 comments. Most of my readers agreed with me. Some thought it stank. What interested me was how they discussed the movie. There seemed to be two big problems in some minds: Nicolas Cage, and the movie's Biblical parallels.

Let's start with Cage. Some readers said they avoid his movies on principle. Many found him guilty of over-acting. A critic was quoted who referred to his "fright wig," which is just mean-spirited snark. I found this reaction puzzling. Cage has two speeds, intense and intenser. I like both speeds. I find him an intriguing actor because he takes chances. He's an actor without speed limits. You want an Elvis who parachutes into Vegas? A weatherman whose viewers throw fast food at him? An explorer of the national treasures buried far beneath Washington? He's your go-to guy.

He is also a superb actor. I cite "Leaving Las Vegas," "Moonstruck," "Adaptation," "Bringing Out the Dead." I have great affection for Harrison Ford,George Clooney and Brad Pitt. But can they go rockabilly like Nic did in "Wild at Heart?" Not that I liked the movie, but it's a good question. With him it's a lion-tamer on a high-wire. Anybody can play the ringmaster.

Roger Ebert's Top 10 Mainstream Films of 2009

Before I get to my gushing post on Avatar, I thought I'd share Roger Ebert's top 10 mainstream films of 2009. Note: my parents raised me on limited TV and that Leno and Siskel were superior to their counterparts. Now, I'm trying to write for TV, prefer Letterman over Leno, and think Ebert is one of the best critics out there.

Ebert's list, in no order (I think):

Bad Lieutenant

Crazy Heart

An Education

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

Knowing

Precious

A Serious Man

Up in the Air

The White Ribbon

Avatar* (he gives this a Special Jury Prize, not sure what that means to him)

That's right, KNOWING is one of the best of the year. And I totally agree.

Though I don't think this was a particularly great year for movies, I think this was a GREAT year for FUN movies, particularly Avatar, Knowing, Bad Lieutenant, Inglourious Basterds, Drag Me To Hell, and even Bruno.

Well done, 2009!

What's in the Box? - Test Film 2009

a 9 minute long movie, that is pretty amazing, and has called the attention of 20th century fox.

Who Would You Rather Do?

From left to right, Eleanor, Brittany, and Jeanette.

(and ALWAYS from left to right, apparently Miss Miller was mentored by Joe Jackson)

My First International Comment!!!

From the Anvil post....

嘿，你的部落格不錯耶~~只是想跟您問聲好!!

I'm pretty certain it's Chinese, because it translates as...

Hey, nice blog you have Jesus ~ ~ just want you to ask about good!!

Which is pretty much all I've ever looked for on this blog... for a Chinese person to compliment my blog, think I'm Jesus, and then have his remarks devolve into nonsense.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Also, fun fact, I checked the translation for Japanese (since I had no clue what either language looks like), which translated as...

嘿, not rated 錯耶 hamlet 跟您 Sang Eternal Question 聲好 你的 ~ ~ FREE!

Which also sorta makes sense, at least enough so that I should probably consider that it IS

Japanese. In which case, it would look like this:

Late Update: Per the chinese version's request...

What is good?

Late Late Update: Wait! Maybe he meant slang like "what's good?"

What's good with you, homey?

METAL ON METAL! I love Anvil so much.

From the Tonight Show

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 7]

Best Viral Videos of 2009

Take it away, Videogum!

The Decadent Decade of Downloading: A Requieum

It's weird to consider my experiences of searching the web for music to illegally download as a journey similar to that of a record junkie. Sure, he or she might call or travel to a record store somewhere across the country just to find a rare 45, but I think there is something to be said about how similarly those web-expeditions will be missed.

Sure, walking into a record store you've traveled 3,000 miles to get to and meeting the record shop owner who shares with you the story of how he tracked it down is a fucking Norman Rockwell painting in our minds, but I went through my own puzzles to get what I've been looking for. Sure, there was no human contact along the way, or usually not. That doesn't mean it hasn't be interesting.

I've explored some of the further regions of the internet, if that can be said. You probably did too - think back to all those Russian websites you gave a shot at when you went looking for that one Red Hot Chili Peppers album, "By The Way." (Note: it's not "CD", it's "album")

Oh, and by the way, how often did they work? My guess is you went one page further and then you FREAKED OUT.

"Close! Close! X! X!"

"Dear God, I promise to never steal music again if you save my computer from a virus"

"DryLand.ru exists! I've seeeeen it!"

A virus! Sometimes they were in remission (Windows XP), sometimes they were fatal (Windows 95, 98, Me). Our computer pain was our pain - we were our computers' pain-vatars!

But back to downloading. Did you ever just read about an album on a blog somewhere (I know, I'm already nostalgiac about blogs) and then be completely unable to find it anywhere? Broken links, file's been taken down, maybe it has violated some agreement with its host or server. You just have to forget about it until sometime in the future (or be a loser and buy it <--admission that I'm a dick).

Well, soon those days will all be over. It will all be found in one place. Found won't even be the right word - it would be like saying you "found oxygen" today (which, also, is coming).

Those of us who stole - we lived dangerously! We said to hell with all those suckers who got caught, 'cause they'll never catch me!

I think elusive music, or elusive anything, will be missed. Of course, hopefully I'll be busy with a job by then, so it won't be missed too much.

Also, I bet one day I write this same exact essay, but about Tim Duncan.

File Sharing Museum

oth.net - my first Napster alternative, or maybe it pre-dates Napster

Soulseek - to this day probably the best program I ever used.

Kazaa - admit it, you just used it to find more milfhunter.

Warez - this is a warez program, which I never used - I used the website. there was no one warez site, so exploring it really was like exploring a nightmare. Every turn freaked you out. Instead of bats flapping in your face, it was some embarrassing pop up. And don't even think about using with an important file open.

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 7]

Best Action Movies of the Decade

This category does not include fantasy/superheroes.

3. Team America

This movie gave us this:

We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

2. The Bourne Ultimatum

It's basically three amazing chase sequences threaded together by a story about an overreaching CIA. The first chase involves Jason Bourne instructing a reporter on when to blink and breathe. The second involves Bourne chasing the guy who is chasing Bourne's friend. The third involves driving the shit out of Volkswagon (I think).

An action movie excels when it outlines the architecture of the environment. Consider Die Hard. You know that building - you know what floor McClane's on, where he has to go, how to get to the roof. You know all the consequences of the environment - falling off the building, falling down an elevator shaft, the impact of mothafuckin' GLASS.

The Bourne movie does that too. You feel like you are right beside that reporter in that London train station. The narrow thruways of that Morocco city become an obstacle - better run on the rooftops! When he dives off that building into the East River, you know he's jumping to his death (for all intents and purposes, he does).

The camerawork is exhilirating and the energy is pummeling. Well done.

1. Casino Royale

Eva Green.

You need more? How about being the best Bond movie in 44 years? And it's about a poker game.

Again with the architecture - they scale a construction site (the stakes rise with their altitude) and then slide their way down, like a game of Chutes and Ladders. Bond is pretty damn ruthless too - he blows up an embassy, killing a ton of innocent people, in the first few minutes.

Oh and Eva Green.

At Least We Now Know What Exactly Flows Through Sen. Lieberman's Veins

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 6]

Best Actor of the Decade

Nicolas Cage

Another obvious one, but I made a little chart to prove it. Click to enlarge.

click it!

Sure, a lot of his movies don't live up to his greatness, but he stays pretty solid (his performances are in red).

His worst moment, sure, comes right around Ghost Rider (which I just recently found out he did as a favor, so lay off) which was quickly followed by Next which I didn't bother with. Still, he managed to sneak in his Fu Manchu trailer in between, so he didn't dip too hard.

But take that out, and he made Adaptation and Bad Lieutenant, two mainstream-accepted awesome movies. And in between we all have a few favorites.

Also, I anticipate the '10s will also be Cage's decade.

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 5]

Greatest Moment of the Decade

Daft Punk live

Another fairly obvious one. Seeing Daft Punk perform at Coney Island was the closest I think I'll ever come to witnessing an alien invasion. And yes, I realize that they are human robots. Still, I'm fairly certain human eyes have never feasted on something so close to the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Really I feel bad for all of you who missed this one. If we are lucky enough to get another opportunity, y'all better not miss it.

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 4]

Most Disappointing Movies Of The Decade Runner-Ups

[keep checking in on this one, I'll keep updating]

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Star Trek

Spiderman 3

Cage Moves On From Punching Women In Wicker Man To Gunning Down His Daughter in Kick Ass [Fucking Hilarious]

and his superhero poster...

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 3]

Most Disappointing Movie Of The Decade

Where the Wild Things Are

No real surprise here, I think. And it's really no failure on Spike Jonze's part. And the kid did a great job too. The movie was gorgeous, but guess what: we're not kids anymore. And maybe we should be more careful next time about putting all our hopes and dreams into one person's visual interpretation of what we all imagined when we were tots.

A friend of mine called the trailer "inspiring," which I always found odd, and while she certainly doesn't speak for everyone, her comment does nail the insane expectations people had for this one. And you can't blame her/us. The trailer nailed it.

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 2]

Best Youtube Video of 2009

Colby

COLBY, The Christian Robot, is the greatest thing I've seen this year. Radiohead can whine about it, and Arcade Fire can prophesize about it (ooooOOOOoooo), but COLBY fucking GET'S IT DONE. What does that mean? Why don't you ask COLBY, because apparently he's got all the answers.

This scripture-spittin' robot is not just ANY computer though. He's convinced a playground full of children to pray for it, even though he doesn't know what a game is. If you question COLBY, guess what, he'll haunt your fucking dreams kid. How dare you disagree with your friends on whether or not it's wise to be friends with a soulless creature. And if COLBY can be programmed, what's stopping it from being programmed by Satan? Afterall, Satan's greatest trick isn't convincing the world he doesn't exist, it's PROGRAMMING A FUCKING COMPUTER WHO CAN CONVINCE CHILDREN TO LOVE IT.

Maybe we all ought to pray for COLBY.

Best of 2009 and The Decade [Part 1]

Best Albums of 2009

5. Girls - Album

When I first heard the Hellhole Ratrace 7", I was convinced Elvis Costello started some new project with a lot of feedback. It wasn't, but the story of the main singer is amazing. Look it up, and definitely give the album a listen.

4. Mastodon - Crack the Skye

Can someone just turn this album into a movie? I dont' remember what the album is about entirely, but it involves Rasputin. Do you really need more than that?

3. Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

David Byrne once said the Dirty Projectors "Their music has familiar elements, yet often sounds like pop music by someone who has read about the form, but never heard it, and then handed the essential building blocks to make some songs" and I'm not going to pretend to say anything better.

2. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion/Fall Be Kind EP

I do think My Girls is sorta overrated. I love the song, but it already feels very tired to me. That said, when the bass starts booming on In The Flowers, I get very excited.

Chuck Klosterman wrote an essay in his recent book, something about "Reading about Animal Collective on the internet has replaced being alive." I have no idea what that means, but I feel like I agree with it.

1. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

Frankly, I'm stunned by how much I love this album. Maybe it's the recording? It sounds amazing. The songs are incredibly simple and structurally many feel identical. Well, get over it. The Phil Spector wall-of-sound production has never sounded better, in my opinion. Though it's my number 1, I'm also gonna call this one the most underrated of the year.

Best Song of 2009

Camera Obscura - Swans

This song has a really corny hook. It's so corny at first, I'm hesitant to even share it with people, or else they might think I only like children's music. It's REALLY corny. But then something happens. Tracyanne Campbell has a way of singing that the words all sound like clouds, where you don't know when a word ends, it just sorta bleeds into another word. Every word is so gentle, it makes words with consonants stick out.

And that's sorta what gets me. It's those consonants, and that electric guitar that is being plucked to shit, against the smoothness that creates this massive amount of energy. It's almost nuclear.

My favorite songwriter, as most of you know, is Stephen Malkmus. His lyrics are puzzles that don't mean anything but definitely get some sort of point across - he can write a love song without using a woman's name, the name of a flower, the word "love" or any other godawful cliche. His lyrics are natural to the music though and never feel too calculated. A staccato song has doesn't have words sung staccatoly, it has staccato words, if that makes sense. Though this song doesn't have the fun or the wit that Malkmus has, the lyrics are so natural to the song you can't peel the words and music apart, even if that abrasive electric guitar tries.

And by the end, you love how corny that hook is.

Best Movies of 2009

3. Knowing

I know you probably think I'm kidding, or I'm an idiot, but this was a great B movie with some hilarious moments. It's a thousand times better than 2012, which makes this movie 2,012,000.

2. Bad Lieutenant

Oh, I get it, Josh only likes Nicolas Cage movies. Well, this was such a fun performance to watch with a ton of memorable scenes. The pharmacy? Doing crack outside the Gator Lounge ("did he mooooooLEST you?")? Shaving? God, what fun!

1. Drag Me To Hell

I almost never want to see this movie again, because I can't emphasize how insane this one made me. I saw it with three friends, and we could not sit in our seats. I clutched the seat in front of me like it was a floating device after a plane crash. Never before have I feared that my heart might explode from laughing/being scared.

Best Onion Piece of 2009

I can't remember all the amazing pieces I read in the Onion this year, but this video stands out to me.


Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman

It just felt so disturbingly real and nailed the creepiness of the morning news. Chi-chi-ni!

Best Well Made YouTube Sketch of 2009

The Sex Offender Shuffle

I just saw this last night, but I'm pretty sure it's the best sketch I've seen all year. I also loved The Mountain, a Channel 101 winner.

Most Popular Thing I Still Have No Interest In Learning More About in 2009

Karen O

I loved the song Maps. Great song. But I have no goddamn interest in listening to anything the Yeah Yeah Yeahs does (do?). Why? I have no idea. I heard they had a new album, and it's supposed to be great. Still, I don't care. Someone convince me.

Most Regretful Moment of 2009

Going With The Flow and, For a Brief Moment, Liking Lady Gaga

I feel like if you say you don't like Lady Gaga, people will accuse you of being a homophobe. What's wrong with you? You obviously don't get it, she's being GLAM, you know, like David Bowie. Oh so only men can be glam? YOU PROBABLY THINK SAME SEX COUPLES SHOULDN'T MARRY. Why do you hate gay people???

Yikes. Well, I don't like Lady Gaga, and I don't care that she can play the piano. When did "can play an instrument" become a badge of authenticity for a musician?

I fear we've created a monster here. Are synths over yet?

Worst Thing Of The Decade

The Black Eyed Peas

First of all, please see the Cracked Hate By Numbers piece "Black Eyed Peas Have Officially Written the Worst Song Ever"

Let's start by splitting them up. Since I only know two of them, let's start with Fergie.

Fergie:

I want to use the phrase "throw pink paint onto vomit" but I don't know if that's a better description of her music or her meth-warped face. Maybe she is a sex symbol, but not yet. No, when robots have replaced people and global warming has melted their faces, THEN I can see it. She also makes me think Josh Duhamel might be gay. I mean, why, WHY!?, would anyone want to marry that.

Oh, and Glamorous is the most cringe-inducing song I've heard all decade by far. I hate it so much, but then again....

Will.I.Am:

God, seriously! That name! Look man, even Puff Daddy changed his name to Diddy - and you of all people should believe in the power of Change. I, for one, thought the Yes, We Can song was one of the most obnoxious parts of the 2008 campaign, but I shut my mouth since it probably got a bunch of Black Eyed Peas fans to vote. Will.I.Am in 2012!

I am not going to give a history lesson here - I don't really know much - I know he wanted to sample Daft Punk after Kanye did but Daft Punk realized that Will.I.Am SUCKS so they rejected it. But that didn't stop Will.I.Am from making a video without permission

Fucking Christ! He is stealing everything in this video!

As A Group

That Hate By Numbers clip really says it all, but the name of their last album, "The E•N•D (The Energy Never Dies)" is one of the most obnoxious album names ever. It's like when the Emperor pretends he's dying in Revenge of the Sith and then out of nowhere shoots energy out of his hands. Stop tricking us by saying you're quitting (or maybe it's just so in vogue to be quitting/not-quitting) and just fucking END already.

If You Think This Picture Is Awesome...

...You Probably Love Speed Racer. (it's not from Speed Racer)

Wendy Williams - Nicole aka Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' (12-11-09).avi

WHOOP WHOOP!

AIDS

thank you onion!

I Guess I'm a Racist [Taking Back The Word!]

CA/LLE/GE

cage, colin firth, morgan freeman, stanley tucci, and chis waltz discuss "Art"

Ban Ki Lieutenant

Goofball Galaxy - Preview from Story Pirates: Generation Collaboration

THIS WEEKEND!!!!

Bob Dylan - Little Drummer Boy

pa rummm pum pum pummmmm

Greek Love - A Northwestern Dating Documentary

please note: this is the LAMEST THING I've ever seen.

A Conversation Between Claire & Michael From First 2 Seasons Of LOST

Claire: My baybee!
Michael: My ssssson!
Claire: My bayyybee!
Michael: My ssssssson!
Jin: My ko!

We Talkin' About Cryin'

Watch for major waterworks around 2:05

Why No Oscar For "Descending (on) Las Vegas"?

"The Dutchess, But You May Call Me Dutch"

kiss it.... kiss it....

This past weekend, I found myself in the company of an old drunk woman known to her friends as "the Dutchess of Green Pond." Well, actually, if you want to be a little more familiar, you may call her Dutch. And, if you want to get even MORE familiar, you may kiss her old grimy hand that she sticks in your face.

No. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

And yet, in that moment, I kissed her fucking hand. Because what else could I have done? Politely excused myself on account of a little thing going around called Swine Flu? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE. But I'm a fucking idiot, who kisses drunk old lady's gross wrinkly hands. Tell your grandma to watch out, this GHILK-Hunter is on the prowl.

It's not like I didn't have a second opportunity to share with her my true feelings. After I degraded myself by putting my lips on her wino-paws (the same lips that I'll use on my wedding day!), she says:

"It's the craziest thing... you stick a hand in front of a man, aged 18 to 100, and he'll kiss your hand!"

Fuck you, AARP (that is, Aging Alcoholic Raping Pmydignity). At least you are staying away from innocent minors. They don't need you haunting their dreams. Oh, wait, now that I think about it, you DO look really familiar.

So to all you old ladies out there thinking the world is full of gentlemen: put your hands back in your fucking purses next to your tiny bottles of brandy. I'm not saying the world isn't full of gentlemen - oh we're out there. But we're kissing your hands to save you the embarrassment of telling you how we actually feel.

Next time, I can only hope it goes a little like this:

"Josh, please meet the Dutchess of Green Pond"
"Oh, you may call me Dutch" [shoves her old mitt in my face]
"Dutchess of Green Pond? Are you sure you're not Dutchess of the Black Lagoon?"

Booya!